post 2018 thoughts

lessons learnt this year: 

1. don't use words like, 'need' and 'require' when asking someone for help 
2. don't announce to the whole world that your female friend is having menses 
3. don't confront strangers when they stalk your insta story highlights 
4. it is not necessary for me to step into people's problems because they reap what they sow 
5. anyone's opinion of me doesn't change the value of who i am
6. Jesus Christ is not a coping mechanism 
7. using more stickers and emojis in my texts 
8. self awareness 
9. to be mature means being considerate to other peoples' feelings 
10. i decide what i want 
11. boundaries
12. people come and go  
13. true friends support your dreams and visions 
14. true friends value who you are and tell you the truth 
15. its okay to be alone 
16. i have weaknesses and that's okay 

Dancing gives you courage

Verse 1
You steady me, slow and sweet
We sway, take the lead and I will follow
Finally ready now, to close my eyes and just believe
That You won’t lead me where You don’t go 

Pre-Chorus
When my faith gets tired and my hope seems lost
You spin me round and round and remind me of that song
The one You wrote for me

Chorus
We dance
Oh, we dance

Verse 2
I’ve been told to pick up my sword and fight for love
Little did I know that Love had won for me
Here in Your arms, You steal my heart again
And I breathe You in like I’ve never breathed till now 

Bridge
I will lock eyes with the One who’s ransomed me
The One who gave me joy for mourning
I will lock eyes with the One who’s chosen me
The One who set my feet to dancing

We Dance, Steffany Gretzinger and Amanda Cook

an intimate relationship

Over the mountains and the sea,
Your river runs with love for me,
And I will open up my heart
And let the healer set me free.
I'm happy to be in the truth,
And I will daily lift my hands:
For I will always sing of when
Your love came down.

I could sing of your love forever,
I could sing of your love forever,
I could sing of your love forever,
I could sing of your love forever. 
I could sing of your love forever.

Oh, I feel like dancing
It's foolishness I know;
But when the world has seen the light,
They will dance with joy, 
Like we're dancing now.

throwback to the week 1

eating such sinfully notorious ratchet foods 
drinking g&t along the coast of Ao Nang 
laughing incessantly 
staring at people in the boat sleeping and puking brown stuff out 

sleeping in the meh meh room 
eating thai you tiao 
with hershey chocolate sauce 

the list of good times we shared in krabi never ends actually 

- 

i'm actually in the medical library now and im actually smiling like a lunatic as i think about these fun summer times 

There is no other

There is no other 
There is no other 
Just you and me 

I have you before me 
I hold you within me 
There is no other 
Just you and me 

and i say my praise 
to you and you alone 
and i bare my heart 
to you and you alone 

there is no other 
there is no other 

and i bow my knees 
to you and you alone 
and 
i lay my life 
for you and you alone 
there is no other 

just you and me. 

-

i sat down, cross legged 
i didn't expect anything 
i didn't expect God to move 

i sat there, still 
analysing those lyrics 
understanding it 
bit by bit 

and i heard someone whispered, 
'only bare your heart to me, just me and you alone'. 

and from there i understood what boundaries meant. 

Eternity

In the morning, when I rise

In the morning, when I rise

In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

You can have all this world

But give me Jesus

And when I am alone

Oh, and when I am alone

And when I am alone, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

You can have all this world

But give me Jesus

And when I come to die

Oh, and when I come to die

And when I come to die, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

Give me Jesus

You can have all this world

You can have all this world

You can have all this world

But give me Jesus

memories

while walking pass the town green earlier after a long and angsty day, i found myself smiling to myself very sheepishly. not because i was productive or anything or my name was finally spelt as 'Sarah Lee' on my starbucks soy latte. but because i thought of my favourite memories with people. 

i had many good and bad memories with people. we all do right? but why is it that i can remain friends with some while some are not? perhaps because of these good memories overshadow the bad ones. 

i choose to forget our bad memories and i'll keep those memories close to my heart. 

So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. 

Ecclesiastes 3:12 

and i should be happy and to learn to make happy thoughts despite the circumstance.  

jo calderone

"Hey. My name is Jo Calderone and I was an asshole.
Gaga? Yeah her. Lady Gaga. She left me.
She said it always starts out good and then the guys,
meaning me, I'm one of the guys, we get crazy.
I did. I got crazy, but she's fucking crazy too, right?
I mean, she's fucking crazy.
For example, she gets out of the bed, puts on the heels.
She goes into the bathroom. I hear the water go on.
She comes out of the bathroom, dripping wet.
She still has the heels on.
And what's with the hair?
At first it was sexy but now I'm just confused.
She said I'm just like the last one.
I'm not like the last one... And I think it's great, you know?
I think it's really fucking great that she's such a star,
a big beautiful star in the sky, but how am I supposed to shine?
I mean, I think I'd be okay with it, you know,
if I felt like she really was being herself with me.
And maybe she is. I'm starting to think she is,
'cause when she gets on the stage, she holds nothing back ?
that spotlight, that big rounded spotlight
follows her everywhere she goes.
Sometimes I think it follows her home. I know it does.
I got to get in there.
When she fucks, it's like she covers her face
'cause she doesn't want me to see,
but she can't stand to have one honest moment
where nobody's watching.
I want her to be real, but she says, 'Jo,I'm not real. I'm theater
and you and I... This is just rehearsal. I got to get in there."

Lady gaga during the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards 

the 26th day

a year later, daddy God reminded me again about Peter walking on water. 

Peter enthusiastically walked out of the boat and in that moment, he unknowingly decided to let go. 

he had let go of his future, his time, his money, his relationships, his grades, his status, 

his everything. 

he drowned for a bit. he struggled no doubt. for a while before Jesus reached out to him. he went though a dark time for a while. he was struggling in the water. struggling to breathe, gasping for air, shouting for Jesus. 

but Jesus came in and reached out. and i guess this was where Peter realised that God was in control. 

perhaps this is how its like when we let go. we let go, we struggle a bit and then we realise that God is in control. 

this is what ive been telling myself everyday. 

daddy God is in control. 

i can be pressed, perplexed, hunted down and knocked down 

but he is still in control. 

to my favourite chia seeds

my favourite moments with you 

that night at table soccer 
the first time i was introduced 
to this wheat thresher turned into judge. 
we talked about our kids, our ministry 
i sneakily scored whenever you got so 
deep into sharing 
but that's when i know your heart 
was at the right place 

on random weeknights
sometimes it seemed like
you were the only person i could share
my favourite verses from Hosea
and you'd reply,
'who was going to send me verses at 12am?'

our runs to gasworks park
we stood in the cold
apart, wondering
what am I doing here
while the space needle was in front of us
we ran back, i was tired
but you cheered me on when we were at the bridge

lobby b of mercer court
the first time you shared with me
romans 5:3-8

19th dec 
there was something about Olivia
I admired till this day
that was the day i saw the real you
real and raw in front of me
not for a minute 
i knew i you were going to be my friend for life

afternoon skypes
'i need to check with you about something'
writing your report with you
watching my lame youtube videos
laughing at videos
calling you in utown
right after my exams were over

at night
at east coast park.
when we agreed to be the best of friends
no matter what

and i look forward to more.
if you'd allow yourself to.

till we see again,
i trust God, and we'll be good, again.

growing up

its time to grow up. 
to learn how to say yes 
and no 

there's always a time for joy 
a time for sadness 
a time for pruning 
a time to love 
and wait 

every one is a child of God. 
christian or not 
still a child of God. 
still a person worth loving. 

Today

7 But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 

1 Corinthians 4:7-9

for when i am weak, He says that i am strong. 

when you are weak, He says that you are strong. 

he said that precisely because im a vessel for him 

my strength is not from within but it is from my daddy God. 

i have the strength to let go. i am strong to overcome this. 

i am strong enough to go through life 

cast down but unconquered

Lord

show me the little things that i need to work on. i am an open space for you. help me grow to have a mouldable heart. so that i can be this willing vessel for you. 

i give you an open space to show me how to be a woman clothed with strength and dignity. a mature young lady after your own heart. 

amen 

Into the Deep

You must catch the troubling foxes,
those sly little foxes that hinder our relationship.
For they raid our budding vineyard of love to ruin what I’ve planted within you.
Will you catch them and remove them for me?
We will do it together. 

Songs of Songs 2:15 

everything and nothing less

at 4.30-ish, during my interval training, at the last sprint, my last sprint, like a crazy-drunk woman as i already am. i shouted this, 

God i will not give up, that my happiness is not dependent on people's impression of me, the number of friends i have, the number of chats unopened, the grades i achieve, my income, my position in church. 

i told him that i will still go to theology school no matter what happens. i can come up with a million reasons to not go but still i will go. 

he is sufficient for me

i am enough. i am sufficient. i am loved. i am enough for Him. i don't need to fight anymore because he is fighting my battles for me. i don't need to show that i'm worthy of anyone's approval. i am His beloved. He is enough for me. He is sufficient for me. He is enough for me. He approves of me. 

i am His daughter and i don't belong to anywhere else except His kingdom. i am loved by my daddy God. He is my daddy and i love him. and he loves, me. his banner over me is love. 

his banner over me is love. i can love. i can manage expectations. i am strong in his name. i am covered by his costly grace. 

he has paved the way for me. to build his kingdom, both metaphorically and literally. he told me this today that i was His vessel and all i needed to do was to be willing. 

God i give you space to speak to me. to let go of this. to let go of things unnecessary to your kingdom's cause. to let go of relationships, to let go of every security i have on man. 

i know you love me. i know you're holding my heart. i know you're holding my hand. i know you are here. i know you are in my heart. 

i dont know how

i wish i could control my life. i wish that I could write my own story and be the sole director of this dramatic movie that I'm in. i would like to write the sarah lee story. 

i know what i want to do in the future. i get what i want when i work hard for it. i will always have a way to make things according to how i would like it to be. i am a control freak basically. who doesn't like to be in control? 

i dont like this word called uncertainty. the uncertainty of whether im gonna score for this job interview, the uncertainty of whether we're gonna work out, the uncertainty of basically anything. 

i become very frustrated about it that im not in control of this life i have. i become angry at myself for letting myself go through this. i dont like how sometimes i have no control over my emotions. i become upset when things don't go my way or how i have pictured it to be. 

i dont like uncertainty. but. but. but. i don't choose life, life chose. life throws shit at me and i have to learn how to be okay with it. will i be okay with it? 

i don't know how and I don't think I will ever figure out how to live life perfectly. 

Recently Pastor Aries recently talked about the mystery of I don't know.

And it's okay to not know what's going to happen in the next second, minute, month and years to come. And I've got to tell myself that again and again.

that it is ok if things are not in control because God is in control. 

26 He also said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. 27 Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. 28 All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head. 29 As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.”

Mark 4:26-29 

a sucker for love

expectations. i think i struggle so much with that. 

expectations of people to be on time. to spend time with me. to reply my texts just as how quick i reply them. to say the same things as i do. 

before i got into the water today, i told myself, 'im going to learn how to love people unconditionally'. i blew the candle and i asked God to teach me how to love people unconditionally. 

to love someone authentically without any agenda. 

i kept reminding myself this today. 'focus on being the lamp and not so much of the oil'. 

i want to breakthrough in this. i find it hard to love without expectations. 

i think im a sucker for love. not just love in relationships but in my family, with my friends, to everyone. sometimes i dont know how to love without giving a part of myself away. sometimes i become very frustrated when i dont receive the same amount of love back. 

but you see. 

i am a vessel and i am not the oil. i am the vessel. im just someone that God merely uses to love someone. 

im trying to. im trying to love with minimal expectations. im trying to be that vessel that God has called me to be to love you. 

God fill me with your love, for your love is sufficient for me. it is sufficient for me. you love me. I am yours and you are mine. i am your beloved. you love me. you truly love me. i will not let go until i am fully convinced that you love me. 

tell me that you love me God, please. 

Delic8

Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it chill that you're in my head?
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)
Is it cool that I said all that
Is it too soon to do this yet?
'Cause I know that it's delicate
Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?
Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it? Isn't it?
Delicate

i dont know what is enough

wayne choong said this, 'perhaps one of the reasons why you're not recieving so much more is because some of you say, 'I'm too tired, because revival equates to more follow ups, more phone calls, more texting, more going out, more this and more that...' 

it struck me because:
1. i felt he was saying the truth 
2. it was something ive been thinking a lot lately 

Putting what wayne said on hold -. 

Arcadis. the pressure to perform well, the pressure to count the accurate amount of piles, to print the correct number of documents, to make sure you don't ask more than 3 questions regarding one task within 5 minutes because you don't want your manager to think you're stupid or lazy. 

Sometimes i feel alone in this really because no one around me, except my PFM friends, Isaac and my parents are in this industry. i finally see beauty and purpose in what i do as a junior quantity surveyor. everything i do counts. every single damn thing counts. even counting each pile countes. checking and making a list of appendices which are in A3 counts. im trying to see purpose, i am trying to make things work and to make myself happy in the process. 

i know i cannot suddenly be the best qs in the world after i graduate and i know it takes time. im trying to see how i can factor God into this equation. im trying to tell myself that no matter how mundane and boring it could be, THIS IS GOOD FOR ME. that i am honoring my parents. and that when i honor my parents it shows i love God. It shows my dedication for him. 

im trying but i still feel so far away. 

being a clan head again. 'lets make heartcore great again'. I really do want to make heartcore great again. i told my members that they are winners. but they didnt win any games. im trying to help that girl, that boy to feel that all they need  is jesus to be a winner and nothing less. 

going back to what wayne choong said. 

yea its true that im too tired of everything. im tired of doing my third internship. im tired to keep serving and interning every summer. im tired from honoring my parents and to hold on to this dream. im tired of attending everything and doing everything. but i know its worth it. 

i dont feel God now. but i know He is real and this is worth it. I dont feel him now, I don't know where he is but I know he is always next to me. I feel like a loser sometimes but I know that I'm a winner according to God's word. 

im trying to tell God that i love him. im trying my best. i want to step out of my boat, walk towards him and give my life to him. I'm trying. 

and i will never stop doing this simply because there is more. 

Here I am; next to you

But here I am
Next to you
The sky is more blue
In Malibu
Next to you
In Malibu
Next to you

We watched the sun go down as we were walking
I'd spend the rest of my life just standing here talking
You would explain the current, as I just smile
Hoping I just stay the same and nothing will change
And it'll be us, just for a while
Do we even exist?
That's when I make the wish
To swim away with the fish

He really wants me to win

This is probably the most mentally tiring finals I ever had. 

This is probably the first time I teared while studying. 

Jesus wants me to win. I'm trying to believe that I am already a winner in His eyes. I'm trying, really trying. 

God, I'm not sure what your plans are but I choose to trust you and believe that I'm a winner in your eyes. 

to get out of the loser cave

A member always used this to encourage me all the time. 

'God will only give you what you cannot handle'. 

I was always appreciative of the amount of comfort that sentence gives. However, there was always a pinch of doubt whenever i thought about it. Soon after, after listening to a Steven Furtick sermon during my Surbana days, I totally rejected this encouragement all together. 

Steven Furtick shared this. 

1 cor 4:7 Paul says, 'we now have this light shining in our hearts but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. 

God will never give me what I can only handle. He will give me something I can cannot handle. So that I can draw strength from him. So that doing the impossible will make it clear that my power is clearly not from me, but from Him. 

i've been studying in clb and med almost everyday since the 15th April 2018. I know i post a lot on instagram about how much im in clb, all the goodie bags received, me making fun of fiona and jeshua all, but behind the camera im honestly dying inside. 

These are my thoughts. Is this worth it? Is this A worth my time? What if i dont do well? Does God mind me taking more time to study so that i can do well? am i gonna burn out? 

but i realized that i'll be a loser if i was stuck in this cave of uncertainty and questions. so ive been very reminded of what steven furtick said. 'God will give you what you cannot handle.' 

God will never give me what I can handle. if not then, what's the point of the holy spirit, i dont need to be a christian to do well, everyone in the whole damn clb can handle finals and have the strength to achieve those As. 

also. another thing. I realized that studying for finals is really not about strength to finish all the chapters. really everyone in the whole damn NUS has that strength to get a cap 5.0 even with or without Jesus.

so sarah, then what strength are you talking about? Perhaps im talking about that strength to do my quiet time everyday, to read His word everyday, to come before his feet and simply wait for His presence. I think this is real strength. 

i think it requires strength to even say this, 'you can have all this world but give me Jesus'. to trade my grades for Jesus. In that moment of worshipping God with those lyrics, it seems so easy and convenient to trade everything for Jesus. But during seasons of trial and exams, sarah are you willing to do that? 

me 4 me

This ain't for the best
My reputation's never been worse, so
You must like me for me
We can't make
Any promises now, can we, babe?
But you can make me a drink

to love him

Sometimes i wonder, how do i love God? Knowing the depths, the heights, the width of his love, what can I do to repond to this perfect love? 

i dont play the drums, or any instruments, im not a cell group leader, neither am i connect group leader. i dont have a specific calling from God yet. I simply don't know how to love God. 

i've been asking myself this question since last week and truly God answers. 

which is to, hold loosely and to freely give your love away without expectations. 

something that i struggle with, but I know that's how God wants me to love him. to love his people freely and practically. to love without expectations. 

I thought to myself, I'm a hardcore ENFJ and it always has been a struggle to love without expectations. What more to give my love away so freely? 

but my young bible study teacher reminded me about this thing called 'practical love'. and along the conversation, i was very reminded of how I have shown practical love since i became a connect group leader when i was 17. To the little things like, organising a steamboat for your small connect group, letting your 12 year old member chill and finish all your gummies while she watches TV, to buying a cup of coffee for someone. To give up your own dinner plans so that someone doesn't eat alone. 

and God whispered, 'sarah this is how you love me'. 

i could give a thousand reasons why

Sometimes I don't really understand why God would send his son to die on the cross for me. Have you ever wondered, out of the millions of people on this earth, why would someone tell me that he sent his son Jesus to die for me. Sometimes I find myself in a struggle to get my emotions together and even to build relationships, to walk in tandem with the holy spirit, to be the best daughter, the best friend, the best student. I'm an emotional wreck, sometimes i make the worst decisions, i hurt people with my words, i step too much on people's toes, i'm too opinionated, too proud, too talkative, too careless to let someone into my life. 

and i dont deserve it. Maybe an african child deserves it more. maybe the girl who has the perfect one next to her and has everything deserves jesus. perhaps the girl that has a train of guys waiting in line for her should deserve jesus. maybe a child with disabilities deserves him. or maybe the lady who just got divorced deserves him. 

but a close disciple of mine always refers god as 'daddy god' when we exchange texts and he never fails to remind me, 'Sarah you're God's princess in his eyes'. do i really deserve that? 

recently, ive been meditating on psalm 139, and it says that I have been on God's mind before I was born. that he truly loves me. that every nail pierced meant every tear shed, every chaotic argument seen, for all the days feeling tired and lost, for every insecurity felt. do i really deserve this? 

He'd leave the 99 sheep just to look for me? to forsake the 9 coins to find me? His love chases me down through my valley? for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son for me? for god so loved me? 

ive been a christian for 11 years and i still doubt that sometimes. perhaps now its the time to put my feelings aside to believe that he loves me. For God so loved me that he gave away his one and only son for me. For God so loved me. For God so loved you. 

This is my vow; may my life always honor Christ, whether i live or die. No matter what price i pay, i choose to give this life away. 

God, this is my response to your love for me. I may not be able to comprehend this love but im trying. im trying to understand how much you love me although i dont see it all the time. sometimes i crave for physical and tangible love but help me to understand that your love is eternal and tangible too. i choose to put my feelings aside to believe that im your princess and youre my daddy god. 

please reveal yourself to me. open the eyes of my heart to experience your love for me this easter. let me feel your love, again. 

amen. 

Favourites

'Before you take this cup of wine and partake this bread, Jesus is asking, Son, Daughter, do you love me? do you love me? do you love me? (to the congregation) By partaking this wine and bread, it symbolizes your love for God and your commitment to him..' 

What is the posture of your heart today? 

When are you going to win your battle? 

'Will you stay with me?' 

Meditations of the month

Your beauty and love chase after me everyday of my life, 

I'm back home in the house of God for the rest of my life. 

Psalm 23:6 

When you go through deep waters, 

I will be with you. 

When you go through the rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. 

When you walk through the fireof oppression, youwill not be burned up; 

the flames will not consume you. 

Isaiah 43:2 

I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. 

With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.

Jeremiah 31:3 

Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. When you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus

Philippians 4:7 

Now if you fear and worship the Lord and listen to his voice, and if you do not rebel against the lord's commands, then both you and your king will show that you recognize the Lord as your God 

1 Samuel 12:14 

Yet, I still dare to hope when I remember this: ....

Lamentations 3:21 

So they said, “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved, you and your household.”

Acts 16:31 

Prayer is really the key to revival. 

To put some things aside

Perhaps its time to put aside some things 

To make more time for other important things 

Like, family, PFM, my best friends, my green box, health

God especially 

To be a good steward of my time, my resources, everything, actually. 

Slow dancing in a burning room

He teaches you 
How to play 'Can't help falling in love' on piano,

His arms 
Wrapped around your shoulders in the endless drizzle,
He holds your hand and 
Teaches you how to dance,

Both your fingers touch for a milisecond,
Anxious, excited, sparks start to fly
In your brain

At midnight, his jarring, inconsistent snore awakes you,
Instead of waking him up, you decide to let it slide.
Two, three, four nights have passed,
You silently wait for him to make his move, again.

I hope my wife and I will cook together next time 
I hope my wife will wear these 
For a moment, you think you could be the one.

You thought this could be reality for a second,
But I guess you're just waiting for him to say,
I like the girl behind her shades
Again.

But
You remind yourself repeatedly
I use my head
And not my heart

To be where you are

I can't get enough
No I can't get enough
Of Your amazing love
I can't get enough

I can't walk away
No I can't walk away
From where I've seen Your face
And I can't walk away

And I just wanna be where You are
I just wanna be near Your heart
There is nothing like Your love
There is nothing like Your love

Jesus I love You...

With all the angels singing
Holy, Holy, Holy, Holy, Holy, Holy
Jesus I love You
Jesus I love You


God, remind me that prayer doesn't necessarily change the situation but it changes me. Come what may, that I will never walk away from your never ending love. May I always have the desire to draw close to you.. to lean onto you... to rest upon your mighty hands. 

May I never give up on you. 

Amen