i dont know what is enough

wayne choong said this, 'perhaps one of the reasons why you're not recieving so much more is because some of you say, 'I'm too tired, because revival equates to more follow ups, more phone calls, more texting, more going out, more this and more that...' 

it struck me because:
1. i felt he was saying the truth 
2. it was something ive been thinking a lot lately 

Putting what wayne said on hold -. 

Arcadis. the pressure to perform well, the pressure to count the accurate amount of piles, to print the correct number of documents, to make sure you don't ask more than 3 questions regarding one task within 5 minutes because you don't want your manager to think you're stupid or lazy. 

Sometimes i feel alone in this really because no one around me, except my PFM friends, Isaac and my parents are in this industry. i finally see beauty and purpose in what i do as a junior quantity surveyor. everything i do counts. every single damn thing counts. even counting each pile countes. checking and making a list of appendices which are in A3 counts. im trying to see purpose, i am trying to make things work and to make myself happy in the process. 

i know i cannot suddenly be the best qs in the world after i graduate and i know it takes time. im trying to see how i can factor God into this equation. im trying to tell myself that no matter how mundane and boring it could be, THIS IS GOOD FOR ME. that i am honoring my parents. and that when i honor my parents it shows i love God. It shows my dedication for him. 

im trying but i still feel so far away. 

being a clan head again. 'lets make heartcore great again'. I really do want to make heartcore great again. i told my members that they are winners. but they didnt win any games. im trying to help that girl, that boy to feel that all they need  is jesus to be a winner and nothing less. 

going back to what wayne choong said. 

yea its true that im too tired of everything. im tired of doing my third internship. im tired to keep serving and interning every summer. im tired from honoring my parents and to hold on to this dream. im tired of attending everything and doing everything. but i know its worth it. 

i dont feel God now. but i know He is real and this is worth it. I dont feel him now, I don't know where he is but I know he is always next to me. I feel like a loser sometimes but I know that I'm a winner according to God's word. 

im trying to tell God that i love him. im trying my best. i want to step out of my boat, walk towards him and give my life to him. I'm trying. 

and i will never stop doing this simply because there is more.