Sometimes I don't really understand why God would send his son to die on the cross for me. Have you ever wondered, out of the millions of people on this earth, why would someone tell me that he sent his son Jesus to die for me. Sometimes I find myself in a struggle to get my emotions together and even to build relationships, to walk in tandem with the holy spirit, to be the best daughter, the best friend, the best student. I'm an emotional wreck, sometimes i make the worst decisions, i hurt people with my words, i step too much on people's toes, i'm too opinionated, too proud, too talkative, too careless to let someone into my life.
and i dont deserve it. Maybe an african child deserves it more. maybe the girl who has the perfect one next to her and has everything deserves jesus. perhaps the girl that has a train of guys waiting in line for her should deserve jesus. maybe a child with disabilities deserves him. or maybe the lady who just got divorced deserves him.
but a close disciple of mine always refers god as 'daddy god' when we exchange texts and he never fails to remind me, 'Sarah you're God's princess in his eyes'. do i really deserve that?
recently, ive been meditating on psalm 139, and it says that I have been on God's mind before I was born. that he truly loves me. that every nail pierced meant every tear shed, every chaotic argument seen, for all the days feeling tired and lost, for every insecurity felt. do i really deserve this?
He'd leave the 99 sheep just to look for me? to forsake the 9 coins to find me? His love chases me down through my valley? for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son for me? for god so loved me?
ive been a christian for 11 years and i still doubt that sometimes. perhaps now its the time to put my feelings aside to believe that he loves me. For God so loved me that he gave away his one and only son for me. For God so loved me. For God so loved you.
This is my vow; may my life always honor Christ, whether i live or die. No matter what price i pay, i choose to give this life away.
God, this is my response to your love for me. I may not be able to comprehend this love but im trying. im trying to understand how much you love me although i dont see it all the time. sometimes i crave for physical and tangible love but help me to understand that your love is eternal and tangible too. i choose to put my feelings aside to believe that im your princess and youre my daddy god.
please reveal yourself to me. open the eyes of my heart to experience your love for me this easter. let me feel your love, again.
amen.
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