The end of 2015

This post is dedicated to everyone. If you think that person is you, then its for you. 

To you: 

Thank you for being you. I'm so glad that you're part of my spiritual family and being my friend for the past 5 years. I don't know whether this means a lot to you but it does to me. I still remember the time when you called me during your first night in Tekong and that meant so much to me because I thought we were not going to be so close anymore. Somehow or rather, you bring me back to reality all the time, remind me of the things I pretend to forget about. You listen to me, silently, while I sobbed, laughed and screamed. You know, you're like... a blue tack, you just stick, somehow. I'm grateful for you because you were always there even though you always seem so far away. Thank you for being you. 

To you: 

People always come forward to ask me these few questions whenever they know that I'm your friend. 'Can intro?', 'How you know her? she's so pretty', 'How is she like?'. And I go, 'Ya, she's one of my best buds but she's secretly quite bimbo la'. Besides that, you're one of the most independent young lady I know, and I'm so glad that you're still so grounded in your family and God. I like how our conversations are usually pretty formal like how we always begin with a 'how are you'. We don't meet up the most often but I can tell that we're still pretty much intact. I like how I know your whole family, excluding your lovely grandparents (I'd love to meet them one day). And, I really treasured that week when I met your sister and dad in those 2 consecutive days. Thank you for being the most gentlest, understanding and grounded friend I have. 

To you: 

'Eh woman', that's how you begin each text message to me. I like how you're so chill with me by telling me about your day, your friends, your family even. I like how we have never spoken to each other in IJC because I thought you were a dick, and now we're buddies. Its really so precious how you're so family oriented despite all the nonsense you do during the weekends. I will never forget that Skype session we had on one random night where we just danced to Marshmallow's remix version of Hello because at that moment I knew that you will always the friend that I'll always have fun with. Cheers to more grilled beef together and to more wine sipping sessions with Uncle Mason by the counter. Thank you for being the most fun and comfortable male friend I'll ever have. 

To you: 

You win the prize for being the most consistent friend during my uni life. The person who never fails to reply my texts on time. The person who listens to my nonsense, reflections, thoughts, rants, judgements, complaints about Marcus, my eye candy stories, God, bible thoughts, my epiphany of the day... I told you that we're going to have a blast this semester and yes, we did have an adventure together. From chilling in your dorm to skipping a lecture to watch our times, these are the times that I will never forget. I'm so glad that we can talk and do everything together. Thank you for being my everything friend. We talk about everything, from studying, to how fashion is a form of art, to boys, to fulfilling our Taitai dreams. Now that you know my sister, Wati and Charcoal, please come over to karaoke more often. Cheers to our London, Taitai, Burberry Trench Coat, God centered friendship that we share. 

To you: 

'Oh my god, Sarah you embarrass me all the time'. I beg to differ because you speak, scream, shout and laugh as loudly as me. Thank you for being my friend since sec 1. We've been in the same class from sec 1 to sec 4 and now we're still close like no one's business. Now that we're in uni, we still meet up to study, to sing karaoke or to even have a simple meal. I'll never trade anything for you because you listen to me, we understand each other pretty well and you're one of the few people who can really stand my loudness. You're so important to me to the extent I dare to have Skype sessions with you in the airport in the open especially when the whole world can see and hear our conversations. I hope you enjoyed your birthday surprise and my loud birthday song for you. Thank you for being you. Sorry for not contributing to our sec 1 math project, hehe. 

To you: 

My life saving, baking, Memento, partial study buddy. Why didn't I meet you in primary school? Why did I only attempt to be your friend during the end of life saving? These are the questions I ask myself most of the time when I’m with you. I like how we became only became closer after life saving. I think I bring out the inner bitchiness in you. I like how we still study together even though our discipline of study are really miles apart. I like how you regard Charcoal as Cookie’s grandpa because that brings a smile to my face whenever I think about it. Thank you for being one of the friends who will be there for me. I’ll make sure you check my teeth and tell me that I need to floss it when I obviously won’t listen. Cheers to more CupcakeJemma videos and even more Christopher Nolan films.

To you: 

We don't meet up or talk as often but I know you've got my back. You called me one random night, telling me, 'Sarah, I called you because you're the person that will understand me the most.' And at that moment, I knew that we have established a solid friendship there since we were sec 3. We laugh at the most random things, we make fun of people's boobs, especially those serrated ones. You laugh at me laughing and I laugh at you laughing at me. We always laugh about our Adam Khoo adventures especially when you answered the instructor's question so confidently when it was suppose to be a very somber moment. You never fail to make me smile whenever I'm next to you. I forget everything whenever I'm with you. I miss hanging out with you. 

To you: 

The first friend that knew how to drive. Or more like, the first friend who taught me how to appreciate alcohol. I really like how our friendship is like now. You're like my big bro that takes care of me, drives me around, bringing me and my sister to eat prata and cake. I like how you and my sis follow each other on Twitter and talk bad about me. I know you've always got my back because I know that you really treat me as your sister. Thank you for listening to my lame stories, to all the childish things I have to say and the poor navigations. Thank you for giving me the logical advice that I always need. Now that you're in Tekong and with the next batch of recruits coming in, I hope you fulfil that dream of being that nice sergeant that you always wanted to be. Thank you for the late night conversations and for the many attempts to have a deep conversation with me by the pool side.

To you:

I like how Uncle Henry and Aunty Flora will vote for me for future presidential elections. I like how your sister wants to take quirky photos like me. I like how I know everyone in your family. I like how your boyfriend pretends to remain calm whenever I scream his name just before he prays for his cell group members. I like how you're one of my best friends. Thank you for the very late night conversations about school and relationships. Thank you for always being there, to be the person that I can really count on. I love how we both talk very loudly and its always a party whenever I'm with you. Thank you for the countless number of hours spent on the phone with me, you're really one of my best friends and I cannot thank God more than enough for you. Thank you for being the 153 girl who were friends with Roxanne Kam.

To you:

Your girlfriend hates me. You ex girlfriend loves me. Its funny how you were my ex's friend and now you're one of my buddies. Many things change but our friendship didn't change. I love how we can just meet once in every few months we still have countless things to talk about. I feel so encouraged when you recently told me about your adventures during army. Indeed, you have grown so much and I am very proud of you. Juggling studies and army wasn't the easiest task but you have overcomed it! I love hanging out with you and I'm so glad that you're my friend despite knowing you from my ex. I look forward to the day I get to play with Jing Yi. All the best for your results and whatever the outcome is, you know that you have grown through this learning experience.


To you:

Thank you for being my leader. Thank you for sacrificing time to give me bible study when we were both sec 3, I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for you. I like how we're very different yet the same, in a sense that, we're a bit like the same kind of people. All the NFJs. We tend to over think, we think too much about the future, we complain about why are guys so simple minded. Basically, we're comfortable with telling each other all these. I like how, you're so far (physically) yet so close to my heart. I miss you a lot, my Avocado Milkshake buddy.

To the both of you:

Thank you for being my Uni buddies. Thank God that we all met during rag. Rag was a total (rag)ret for us ok. Thank you for standing my nonsense during lectures, listening to my rants about people I don't even know. I like how we were so close during exams even though we just met a few months ago. Its really so endearing how we have grown so much together in Sem 1 and submitted reports 5 minutes before the deadline kind of thing. You both are so different in your ways and I really like that a lot. One loves JJ lin and the Sam Willows, while the other one just indulges in our fantasies. Cheers to the many more bidding sessions in Starbucks in Marina.

To you:

I almost forgot you my dearest. My Tanglin, running, paddle pop, bitching about that 16 year old buddy. I like how you're so full of nonsense yet sometimes you're so true and sentimental. I'm glad that we have wiped off the some those negativity in our lives and we have moved on together. I'm glad that its through all these situations that made us closer. I like how I don't like your hair while all the boys love your hair. Please go and cut your hair. Thank you for listening to my rants will we run 5km together. You're someone who I will never trade anything for and thank you for being you. You have the most beautiful heart ever and never let anyone pull you down, alright?

To you:

'Where is ErnesT?', my dad greets you with this questions whenever he meets you and then you'll burst into laughter. Every time I think about our time spent together in the car with my dad singing What do you mean, it really brings a smile to my face all the time. I like how all those funny moments happened with my dad around. Despite all that has happened between us, thank you for staying and being my friend. I'm sorry for the things that were not supposed to happen in the past and I'm glad that everything is okay now. Thank you for always encouraging me to study during the semester and I think I owe that A to you. Oh yea, I like how your boyfriend and I are friends and the three of us had dinner with my dad at my place the other time.

To you:

You never fail to put a smile on my face whenever I meet you. I like how you dance so freely in my house and record yourself singing then letting me hear that recording. You're my JC/Uni buddy and now you're even my Life Saving buddy too. We just had our first sleepover together and I loved how you had to consume the king's cup twice. You make me feel at home. I wish we had spent more time together, laughing and studying. Anyway, you are still left with 7 more semesters to tolerate me. Thank you for being you, girl. Cheers to many more gossip sessions during lectures.

To you:

You need to know that I love you so much even though you're so far away. Your mother, father and sister and your boyfriend loves you a lot. Even God. Thank you for always being there. Despite the time difference, it seems like you're still living in Singapore time. Its so heartwarming to see how you still care for the people you love here and in spite of the distance, you sacrifice so much time and effort to be there for them (Including me). I love how you're so self sacrificial and you motivate me to love without borders. I like how sometimes I still think you're here because your presence seems so strong here. Thank you for being my friend and my cell group member. Continue being the strong person you are and get some sleep okay.


Lastly, to you:

I remember how you didn't want to lend me a correction tape during a Chinese lesson in sec 1. I had no idea why you hated me so much back then, well I think it was my face. (Actually it turns out that most people that used to hate me are now my best friends) Then things started to change because of an MSN Video Call and we started sharing about the types of shoes that we liked. So topic of shoes was always the basis of our friendship. We actually bonded over shoes. Then, letters and more video calls started coming and slowly we became the best of friends. We're so close to the extent my cousins, my aunties and uncles, my parents' company and even angmoh friends know you. I like how you love the sofa in my house and there is a guitar in my house for you to play. And I love how our parents even know each other. Now things have changed because we're both on very different paths and now with a boy boy, things are changing. I don't know whether is it for the better or worse but I'm positive that it will be okay. Thinking about the amount of time we spent on building this friendship for the past few years, sometimes I feel sad that we now don't have enough time for each other and that things will change. But I still want to be in involved in your life, to be the person you always talk about to your friends, to be that best friend who embarrasses you and shouts your name whenever you perform. Thanks for being there for me, through my ups and downs. Cheers to more concerts, to more sleepovers, to more Tung Lok dinners with my parents and to more KTV sessions.

To the rest:

Even if you're not mentioned in this post, thank you for being a part of my life.

What do you mean?

Trying to push this problem up the hill
When it's just too heavy to hold
Think now's the time to let it slide

So come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

Everything that's broke
Leave it to the breeze
Let the ashes fall
Forget about me

Come on let it go
Just let it be
Why don't you be you
And I'll be me

And I'll be me

Hello everyone! It is the end of finals and this marks the end of Year 1, Semester 1.

It was a crazy journey, juggling with studying, life saving, life saving, keeping up with friends, and the list goes on and on. Well, I wish I could have the element of the hall life during this semester but well, I guess not. Many people came up to me and asked why didn't I consider staying in hall or any of the residential colleges, questions like, 'Sarah you look like the kind that will stay in hall', 'Sarah why you look like the CAPT kind, not the Tembu type'.

And I go, because I still want to spend time with my family and... my parents just bought this new, amazing, beautiful house (to the extent I cannot stop snapchatting my house). I don't want to just move into such a beautiful home and then only staying in my gorgeous room for 2 nights every week. Of course, I'm very envious of those who have the hall life.. and everything but I'm very contented with what I have.

Sem 1 just ended like that, and I'm pretty sure the subsequent semesters will fly pass this quickly as well. And, if you do the math, I'm left with 7 semesters till work begins. Consequently, I have about 7 more semesters to make mistakes, good mistakes, to learn more about myself, to spend quality time with my friends, get drunk (ok maybe not), drink as many sour plum shots as possible after finals, spending hours in the library to study... And that's not enough for me.

AND I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING AND THAT MADE ME LAUGH.
For all those singles out there, we are left with 7 more semesters to find that other half. ha ha.

Mhmm and talking about relationships, I was just saw my friend's insta post about finding the other half, and that he/she is very envious of others in relationships. I'm not afraid to admit that yes, I am envious of people who are in a relationship.

It's always nice to wake up to a morning text, to have the partner who will listen to your nonsense, to spend the whole night out with you, just enjoying your presence, to have someone who understands you, to eat ice cream with you when you're happy/sad, and the list goes on and on.

Every time I dream about this very idealistic other half, reality hits me and I'll be like,

Aiya, Im probably gonna be arguing with him, being all insecure, and the relationship may not even work out, ya da ya da. (God, I sound like some schizophrenic here)

Not trying to sound very desperate and needy here, but sometimes its really nice to have someone who loves you, for who you are. And I guess all you stalkers here would've agree with me that this is true.

I still don't know what I want in life, still in the process of knowing what I need and don't need.

Love yourself

Cause if you like the way you look that much

Oh baby you should go and love yourself

And if you think that I'm still holdin' on to somethin'

You should go and love yourself

To all those who had never felt good about themselves: 

It's very important for us not to be dependent on society's approval on what is cool and not cool. Learn to embrace your coolness, learn to embrace your weirdness, do what you like to do, don't even bother considering other people's opinions. If you wanna head down to the medical library or law library to see smart, cute geeks, go ahead, do whatever you like. Don't let anyone deprive you of your happiness, no matter how superficial it looks. 

Do what you like to do, if it's a sport, do it, it doesn't matter whether you come in last. But at least you did it, and you did something out of your comfort zone. Don't give up. 

I wish you all the best. Don't let your negativity overwhelm you. Surround yourself with friends who love you and cherish you. 

Just be you, and only you. That's more than enough. 

Quoting Kayla Itsines, 'My body is not what I call a bikini body, when you are fit, healthy and confident, you don't care about anything else.' 

During this semester, I told myself that I wanted to feel confident by exercising more and by eating healthily. One thing I really learnt was that, loving yourself and being confident is the most important thing in life. Some people act as if their boyfriends are their life and they put all their confidence into their partner. Sometimes, we just need to be confident and stop relying on people to feel good about yourself. 

If you don't wanna change, and if you really like this way you look that much, then you should really start to love yourself. Trudat Bieber. 

University life

Hello everyone, sorry but not really that sorry for the lack of updates about my life. One interesting fact about putting your blog link on your Instagram page is that you get to have a rough gauge of how many people clicked on your profile. Stalkers like me should watch out. 

Week 10 of university life is slowly creeping in about 13 minutes time and here I am, finally able to sit down and reflect upon my life. For the past 10 weeks in Uni, I've accomplished 3 presentations, 1 report, 1 mid term paper, juggled with life saving trainings every Tuesdays and Wednesday nights, cell group and service on Saturday and Sunday respectively. On top of that, I moved to another house directly opposite my previous place (lol). Further, every week, I met an average number of 2 frends every week to hang out and spent every Saturday at my grandpa's place. And, not forgetting the part where I was heavily involved in the planning of the Amazing Race. 

Just by looking at what I just typed makes me feel very... accomplished yet tired. On some days, all these overloading eventually led to lethargy and some disappointments here and there. 

After this 10 weeks, I realised that I was very focused on the social aspects of my life, such as maintaing relationships with people, making new friends and somehow, along the way, I lost tracked of my spiritual life, my grades (Oh, thank God for the S/U system in NUS) and time for myself. 

I somehow knew that there was too much going on in my life when I failed my first CPR theory test because I wasn't being my usual self. Instead, in that moment, I forgot how to be serious and to take things seriously. I guess this is just one of the flaws that I have, I just get caught in the moment and the fun just consumes me altogether. I don't know about you readers but do you feel this way sometimes? Like fun just consumes you and sometimes you don't know what you're doing? Okay nevermind. 

Or rather, on hind sight,  I've neglected the serious part of the university life and I'm still in the search of finding that balance between God, studies, CCA, friendships and family. Its tough. Really tough in fact. It really requires a lot of discipline on my part (especially with that protein shake diet coming into place). 

So, for the next four/five weeks till finals, I'm going to give myself time to study, to focus on God, my life saving CCA and family. I think its high time that I give myself some space to focus on the correct things. 

Ok. My life is settled, for now. 

Moving on, I just wanna talk a bit about relationships. G was just telling me, 

'You know, its so scary for me to read how people see their BF/GFs as their whole world. I can never imagine thinking that of someone cause they can just disppoint you and you'd be so crushed. Like I feel that you can only fully trust God.' 

Whatever she just said was so apt because I've been thinking about how much can a human love someone or fill a certain void in a particular person. 

The answer is, it will never be enough. 

Wonder

First of all, I would like to apologize for the spam of 'Amazing Leis' pictures and adverts on your Instagram news feed 2 weeks ago. To be completely honest, I'm not sorry, haha. 

If you follow me on snapchat, twitter, or frequently message me, you'll realize that I'm pretty busy. 

Interestingly, Amazing Leis allowed me to work on my project management skills and that really did help me a lot. Amazing Leis taught me a lot of things. It taught me what was it like to expand my heart, to love people, to juggle between church, family and uni. 

I was definitely stretched during the planning, coordinating and the execution of Amazing Leis. Thinking back, during that week of accelerated planning, I was working on a group project in school, had 2 life saving trainings, met up with Josh and Ravin, family.. It was just crazy. I was so busy that I asked myself why did I put myself into such a situation. 

I asked God, 'Why did I choose to do this? I could be busy playing, chilling at home, drinking beer and watching Tanglin with my parents.' 

And I would answer myself by saying, 'Cause I really love God.' 

Right now, I'm tired, I'm really tired. After 5th September, I had a very busy week in school, everyday was a long day filled with project meetings, lectures, presentations and tutorials. To top it off, I have life saving and my parents bugging me to accompany them for PAP rallies. I'm really very tired. 

On the other hand, I miss my family and friends. I really do. 

God please, please, give me strength. May I never lose my wonder. 

On the side note, thank you Marcus for always being there since we were both 14 years old. 

Snippets of

‘But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire.’ 

Matthew 5:22

Raca comes from the aramaic word term, Reqa. it is a derogatory expression meaning “empty-headed,” insinuating a person’s stupidity or inferiority.

After reading this verse, I realised that it is important that we don’t call people, ‘stupid’ or something degrading. Looking at Jesus’ tone and what he says, it seems as if it is almost like a sin to say such things, such that, we will be in the ‘danger of council’ or even ‘throw into the danger of hell fire’. And Jesus said this in the context of telling the disciples that being angry with each other without a cause is also in danger of judgement. I think that sometimes in our rage, or in the moment of anger, we burst out and we unintentionally say things that we don’t mean. 

For example, in a fit of anger, we call our friends/family members things that we don’t intend and we may even call them ‘stupid’ or ‘dumb’. I guess Jesus is trying to remind us to always speak in love and in patience. 

YES, I do need to work on this area as sometimes, I feel that in a fit of anger, I just say unkind words to my parents and yes, I do need to work on that. 

As I come undone

Have you ever had a playlist in your phone, whereby each song reminds you of a certain period of your life, or rather, it brings back memories of the times you were going through a few months back? 

Well, I guess this is one thing that songs can do. They bring back memories. 

University life is starting soon, in fact in 2 weeks time. And, I'm feeling rather... reflective these last few days of my 9 month holiday. Also, I just wanna get my thoughts settled before moving on to the next phase of my life. 

Since 24th November, the last day of my A levels, till now, I feel that I have learnt quite a bit of myself. This past 8 months was indeed a world wind for me, it was something different. I wouldn't say that this period was the most comfortable for me because I was put into situations I have never experienced before. 

As I reflect back, I spent the entire December with my family, going to Japan, getting immersed into the culture. Not only that, I went clubbing for the first time, had vodka and cranberry and fell in love with it for the first time. I ended my first relationship... And then, January, February, March... and then now. 

There were so many events that happened during this long ass holiday, some were good, some were bad but mostly they were good. 

I think I have mentioned to many people that my experience working in H&M was a sore, bad, disgusting, tiring, stressful. 

On the contrary, I guess there were some positive things about H&M.. Like, it really taught me customer service skills (well, customers love me a lot), how the retail market works, how things are done in the retail sector, how to be a cashier (eww I hated it but).

That job made me realised how important my family and friends were to me. Well, if you don't know me very well, you'll just think I'm some crazy woman saying that family is number one and all. But it's really true. 

I remember there was this one night, where I got dissed by my manager, D and there were people talking behind my back. I felt as if the whole world was against me at that point of time. More importantly, I felt lonely for the first time because my parents were overseas, my JC friends won't exactly the closest to me anymore, Vanessa was busy and yea. 

To cut the whole story short, I learnt to treasure my family and friends. More importantly, I realised that only the opinions of the people closest to you are the ones that matter the most. 

Oh yea, since we're in the topic of work. I think working for my parents really made me appreciate my parent's scope of work more... (You can ask me personally what they specialise in if you like) 

I guess I can count my Germany trip as one of my trips that were meant for 'work'. This trip to Germany was different, it was more meaningful than the usual overseas grind of continuous eating, rushing for plane flights... Instead, it was more of meeting my dad's work suppliers, associates and other international distributors. 

It was meaningful because I got to meet my parent's overseas friends who last seen me as a 9 year old kid.. I felt rather nostalgic when they told me what I did when I was younger.. 

Also, travelling to Germany was the trip that I spent the most amount of time I spent with my dad, simply cause it was only me and my dad. 

It was a very father-daughter thing. We did guy-ish things, like, speeding at 207 km/h with our E350, standing at on a very random bridge across the autobahn, watching other cars swift pass whilst eating strawberries, waving at random European truck drivers, eating chocolate in the car, drinking schnapps AKA shots..

What was really, really special during that Germany trip was that, I was out of my comfort zone. If you guys know me very well, it's not just out of the blue that I can just start a conversation with some random person/girl/boy. I have always been trained by my dad to talk. 

I realised that my dad always puts me in situations where I need to step out of my comfort zone and talk to adults ranging from 24 years old to 50 plus years of age. Yup. 

There were moments in the bus (where there were many other playground distributors) where he got me to sit next to a Taiwanese lady in her late 20s. There, there, I was forced to start a conversation with her. Slowly, during coffee/tea sessions, he would introduce me to his friends, and then slowly.... he'll jump to another acquaintance to say hi and he simply just leaves me alone with his friend. Yes. And this happened a couple of times throughout my growing up years especially when I accompanied him for conferences. 

Yeap, so I'm really grateful that my dad has challenged me in such a way, to step out of my comfort zone. He taught me how to communicate with foreigners, with people in general. Of course, I'm not the master of it and I still have a lot to learn about all these communication skills. :) 

After this trip, I got to know my dad a little better and I started to appreciate him more actually. I hope my future partner can be as adventurous as my dad. Just so you know, my dad is a really cool person simply because he bought a bottle of jager for me. Not only that, he agreed to buy 4 dunkels for my best friend as well. 

Woah, sorry, I have been babbling on about my different epiphanies I had during this holiday. Come on, its my blog and I have a billion things on my mind. Give me a chance mate. 

I think during this 9 month holiday, I really got to know a little bit more about relationships. I mean, not just BGR shit but friendships as well. 

After working for my parents, I specially set time aside to spend time with my current friends from secondary school, JC and church. Now looking back at it, I really thank God for those people who really stood by me during O levels, A levels, my nonsensical hardships and problems. I hold on really tightly to all these relationships, its quite hard for me to let go some when uni begins. Well, I just don't like to lose people in general. However, just recently, I realised that it was okay to move on with uni life and the people who are genuinely my friends will still be there. 

It's so funny like how can you can become so close to someone and people can just walk away from you in such a short period of time. Right now, I think having a relationship has its pros and cons. For those good ones, it's a good thing that you grow together with your other half.. Moreover, its always nice to have someone to appreciate you for who you are and to love you despite all circumstance. It's really nice to have someone fill that unsaid loneliness in your heart, to have that someone to snuggle, to hold your hand, to listen to your nonsense, to look you into the eye, to say that you're the most beautiful person in the world... 

Yup, all these happen when you're in love. However, in the process of being in love, things become difficult. Insecurities start to come in, trust issues, being protective, not living up to expectations, things like 'oh, I have no more feelings for you' come in, 'Let's remain as friends', and suddenly, dating someone will seem very tiring. Don't even mention about NS boys. 

I think dating.... its just very complicated now. After this long holiday, I realised that its more than just 'liking' someone per say. Being in that 'amber light' stage is complicated, there's so much to consider. Haha, I think being in the 'red light' stage is another issue. 

Hence, just let things be, if its meant to be, let it be. 

Boy-girl relationships are one thing but I think there are other relationships like family, friendships and the relationship you have with God are way more important. There are moments this year where I realised how important these relationships are. I've invested quite a lot of time on such relationships, hanging on really tightly to them this holiday.

I must say, I'm really lucky to have other people in my life such as Vanessa, Terance, Marcus Gladys, Regi, Bobby, Jean, Jia Yan, Jean, and so many more. I wish I could have spent more time with everyone though.. 

I guess we'll never have enough time to do everything at one go right? Haha, its so ironic like how it 9 months seems like a very long time but we can never have enough time for things like that. 

Also, from all these people and from all the different circumstances that occurred this holiday, I've learnt a lot of things about myself this 9 months. It's impossible for me to type everything here. 

Making decisions, how I behave in public, how I interact with people, being a leader at home and in church, taking care of my own finances (well something that I'm still struggling with)... are really some of the things I learnt along the way. 

I'm glad that I had this 9 month holiday because it was an eye opener for me. It expanded my capacity, my emotions, thinking, everything. Looking back, I don't regret anything that happened. 

It was the experience for me. How wild it was, to let it be.

Best things in life are free

Hello everyone, sorry for the very emotional post earlier cause things have been pretty rough for me but now all is all good. 

I'm gonna turn 19 tomorrow. I'm gonna be a year older, a year wiser and the list goes on... Things are definitely gonna change. This 19 year old Sarah is gonna be stronger, more mature, happy, crazier, loving. Basically an upgraded version of Sarah. 

This second half of the year is gonna be way more exciting, more purposeful, more challenging. 

If clouds are full of water, they pour rain on the earth. Whether a tree falls to the south or to the north, in the place where it falls, there it will lie. 

Ecclesiastes 1:1

I'm not afraid of the future. I'm ready for my comeback. 

In your atmosphere

Everything seems so bleak, there's no clear pathway, the grass isn't greener at the other side, putting in my 100% doesn't seem like it's enough. 

It feels as if I am playing Texas Poker. I have a double 4s. I am the big blind. I put out 2 chips. It continues and someone decides to raise the bet. 

'I'm gonna win', I muttered. It was the last round, I confidently put all in, thinking I was the ultimate winner. 

But no, someone else (Or rather something else), had a flush. I gave my all and I lost my all. 

Life was never worse but never better

Dear all, 

I just did a 14 minute work out and I decided to do something to this godforsaken place. 

While Kaywee blasted Taylor Swift yesterday, I realised that I like 'Wonderland' compared to the other songs. Well, I still like 'Wildest Dreams' the most though.. 

I like how Taylor Swift wrote, 'Life was never worse but never better'. And I resonate very much with it.

I feel that my life has been stagnant for the past 6 months, spiritually, physically and mentally. I guess I only found myself growing a little after I got to know you. 
(oops sorry to keep everyone in suspense)

I think it's high time I do something about my life, to do something more meaningful, lively, something, perhaps for God, maybe for family, new and old friends. I don't want my life to be stuck in this phase where things were never worse but never better. 

I want to grow, make mistakes, scream, cry, laugh at my mistakes and move forward. 

I'm gonna make this July the most meaningful July ever. Cheers to God, Jesus, NUS, new friends, old friends, best friends, family, Vanessa and you. 

Aiya as if you're ever gonna read this part. 

Blame it on the night

Hello all, I think the post written about relationships is not a true reflection of how I feel about things. Been talking to my best friend about it. I guess I'm a little bit wrong.

I might wanna reconsider that point of view.

Wanna guess why?

Lost stars, trying to light up the dark

Greetings to everyone, I just spent a couple of days in glorious Germany and now I'm back in sunny Singapore. Ah.. Germany was fun, the beer, steak, potatoes, cars, sausages... 

It was all good. More interestingly, meeting my dad's old friends who saw me grow up made the trip was very organic and fufilling.

Well. My Germany trip isn't what I wanted to talk about today. I've been thinking a lot about something lately, more like, we will never get the attention we yearn in social media. Some of you guys would actually scorn and go, Oh, who doesn't know that? 

What made me think about this topic was because of this tweet I recently posted. 

Yup. It was this bloody tweet that got me all distracted during work and while bathing. 

How I got to this photo (It's not mine anyway, but all credits goes to the owner of the picture): I was just scanning through Tumblr and I was like, omg these hamsters are so cute and I actually spazzed for a few seconds and decided to share it on twitter. 

And, BAM, there were endless retweets and notifications in my phone and it was the first time in a eons that my phone was that active. I would say that a 1,818 retweets is really a lot to me, especially for a nobody in social media. 

To be absolutely frank with you readers, I was excited and to simply put it, I was happy that, hey, I'm finally getting loads of retweets now. It was a small, little breakthrough for me in the social media world. I felt as if I made my mark in this complex social media world, somehow. 

(Oh yes, for the record, some of you readers may think that all these retweets are so little and all, but hey, give me a chance alright.) 

Slowly, as the days passed by, the number of retweets increased exponentially and I was still receiving notifications like no one's business. 

But. I didn't feel as happy and excited as I was supposed to be, just like in the beginning. 

I realised that the earlier feelings I had of receiving many notifications were very superficial. 

I looked through the people who retweeted it, they were random people on twitter, who just so happened to chance upon this photo and retweeted it without hesitation because of the cute hamsters. 

I think the reason why I feel this way is that it wasn't my friends and loved ones who were the ones appearing in my notifications.Well, there were some friends who did but most were just random people. All of a sudden, the number of notifications didn't bother me anymore because people weren't connecting with me on a personal basis. 

Usually when I receive a notification on twitter, it's usually someone replying to my tweet, or a friend retweeting my lame/sarcastic/taylor swift quoted tweets. However, this time it was different. There was no connection, I felt a little bit lonely simply because there was no conversation or a relationship between me and the person who retweeted. (I hope you guys can still follow..)

This really got me thinking a lot. Like, is this how getting attention feels like? (Because it wasn't attention I was feeling) Just by having a 1000 plus retweets? Or having 500 unknown followers in your Instagram account? 

With a thousand people looking at your tweet but you don't feel a single bit of attention. 

How ironic right? 

This attention I got from social media wasn't something I was looking for to be honest. The feeling of being 'famous' on social media was very peripheral and I didn't feel like it was real.

It made me realised that the attention I had on social media wasn't something I wanted. I don't know about everyone but I know that I love attention actually. I mean, who doesn't? 

This topic got me thinking also, since celebrities have many Instagram likes and countless retweets all day, do they find happiness in all these? If they do, their life must be really sad and lonely I feel. 

This got me thinking, do the number of followers on Instagram and Twitter make you feel more included in society? Do the number of likes on that oh-so-pretty candid photo really give you the attention you require? 

-

After writing all these, I'm not sure whether I'm making any sense but this is just an aftermath of receiving 1800 plus notifications from unknown social media users. I would say that I'm still in the process of analysing all these.. 

And in the midst of becoming a better person. 

I was a liar, I gave into the fire

Hey all, nice to see quite a number of views for the previous post. My life's seriously quite mundane now, its just work, sleep, texting, eating Wati's food, coughing like hell. 

The topic of relationship has been lingering in my head for a bit now, so I think I'm gonna talk about relationships in this post. yah. 

I guess most of the readers of this unforsaken blog are about 18-20 years old? That's the age where our hormones are raging, we desire attention from the opposite sex (or the same sex?), we want someone to be there for us, instantaneous replies in What's App, care and concern, to fill in that barren hole in us....... yes. 

I suppose this is a very general, sweeping statement to some people, but its kind of true to a certain extent, to me. 

After having bits and pieces of conversations here and there about relationships with a few people, I realised that I'm not ready for one. 

Well. Here's why. I feel that there's definitely much more to life besides being in a relationship for a nineteen year old like me. Trust me, I was in a relationship during my JC years. I think I would know a little bit, just a little tiny bit about being in a relationship, or rather a burden one. 

To me, right now, in my current status of life, I feel that there's more to cuddling with your partner on bed watching Arrow or Game of Thrones, holding hands, going on dates to some artsy fartsy cafes. There's so much more to do and enjoy life as it is. 

In fact, someone recently who told me this, 'Do you know that we're actually damn young to be in a relationship? We're going to uni, there's gonna be internships, exchange programmes, hall, friends, orientation boot camps. You'll feel so restricted.' 

That guy really got me thinking about this. After thinking about it, I realised that it is very true. I realised that its really quite burdensome to be in a relationship and yet juggle with studies, family and friends. Furthermore, it doesn't give you an opportunity to really enjoy life as it is. 

(Ok, for the record, some people may disagree with me but hey, this is where I jot down my opinions, right?) 

Can you imagine, you wanna make new friends from the opposite sex and your girl or boy will go like, uhm, 'how's he/she like? Handsome or not? Pretty or not?'

If yes, well, to avoid many further arguments, you would rather stay status quo. 

In the context of Singapore, especially if your boyfriend/girlfriend is in army, the army boy will be even more insecure and then trust comes into the picture and yadayadayada and the argument commences. 

To summarize, you would feel restricted if you're in a relationship, at this age, of course. 


Moving on, I asked this person in church why didn't she want to be in a relationship during her studying days. (FYI, she's currently in her mid twenties and happily in a relationship)

And she said, 'Looking back at my studying days, I felt that I shouldn't waste my youth on such things like relationships... I told myself that I wanted to spend my youth serving God by studying hard and being involved in church and all so I didn't actually bother being in one.'

She told me this awhile back in the beginning of year and that really struck me, hard. Yes, I was still attached at that time and that got me thinking. After careful deliberation, I kind of dumped him. Ok that's another story, so back to the point. 

Basically, I just want to maximise the freedom I have during my youth. Like, meeting new people, dating a few guys if I'm lucky in NUS, spending time with friends and family, travelling, serving God... 

I guess some people can still enjoy this privilege despite being in a relationship? 
Or maybe this is just a frivolous point of view that I have. 

Yup. I think I'm not yet at that level of maturity to really understand what is it like to be in a relationship, even though I might have some experience in it. 

Well, all these relationship thingy things can be settled in the future I hope, just not now.

If I ever, ever, get into a relationship during my uni days, please remind me of this blog post and say that I'm a hypocrite.

haha. 

Into this magical place

Hello everyone, its been about six years since I have blogged. Opened this place because I thought it was necessary to just pen, uhm, I mean, type down, my thoughts about certain things here. Maybe some can relate to me, well, maybe some of you guys may not. I'm not like Amos Yee or Xiaxue with perfect grammar so please bear with me. 

Whatever, let's begin.

Before I graduated from junior college, I thought that going to this place would be cool, a place for the more than average people, exclusively for the cool people in school. Well, I thought that this place would make me feel more grown up. I am not going to disclose where this place is but I guess you'll find out soon anyway.

Since I'm having my holidays, I must say, I have been visiting this place quite often (I don't know what's your definition of often so) and to be terribly honest, this place made me feel happy. I guess everyone in there feels generally happy, right? 

That place made me feel included, it made me feel as if I was part of something. It was a place where I didn't have to worry about uni applications, parents, other friends, studies, you name it. I'm not sure if this is true but people become more open, more relaxed, more chilled. And this is the kind of company I'd like. 

I think being single has its perks there, guys pick you up, buy drinks for you, dig you, send you home, and the list goes on and on. From the bottom of my heart, I really enjoyed some of them. Needless to say, it did make me feel good and satisfied with who I was. 
Just recently, at a particular moment, it almost became this drug to me. Of course, with this thing called ethanol, everything would seem almost perfect. Again, to be brutally honest, I didn't mind going again and again, just for the fun and everything. 

However, this afternoon, in the office, I started to reflect about how I have been living life.

Reality kind of hit me in the fucking face actually. 

I realised that I wasn't the person that I was anymore. I didn't feel like Sarah Lee anymore. Instead, I felt rather empty inside after realising that I have been treating this place as if it was a living sanctuary where I could find refuge for happiness, joy, whatever shit is that.
I looked around, I saw my mum and my dad. I scanned through my What's App contacts, realising that I have more than enough friends to keep me going and I didn't need this longing to visit this place anymore. What more was that I realised that I did not need one of those perfunctory friendships made in that place anymore. 

Previously I shared how amazing this place is but there's still a very, but not very ugly side of it. It causes friends, couples to break up. And sometimes it makes you lose your dignity.(Again, you may not agree with me but this is just my point of view). It breaks and hurt people, basically. 
I think I need a break from this magical place, to get my shit together and figure things out. 

So, the question is, will I still go back to this incredible place? (The answer might piss you off actually.)


Yes, definitely, after I get my shit together. haha. 

P.S I'm really not the very thoughtful-emotional-poetic kind of person, I'm quite crazy in real life, just using this space to settle my thoughts.