Where is home?

Home is when you come back to a hearty meal that comprises white rice, a hot bowl of lotus and peanut soup, an omelette garnished with luncheon meat cooked by your room-mate. 

Home is when you start sharing about your ministry in church and the breakthroughs you've been through as a human being. its sharing a verse from Hosea at 12.30am in the middle of nowhere.  

Home is when you hear the Singaporean accent from afar. Or when you hear the lah, leh, aiyo and etc. 

Home is when you're in the car cruising around downtown Seattle and the driver screams chi bai. 

Home is when you're with a group of friends mugging in Suzzallo library for no pathetic reason just because they have a mid-term next friday or just because of the 4.0.

Home is that sense of familiarity when your family friends or family pick you up from the airport.

Home.. seems to be here right now. Home seems to be so tangible here. 

Living the dream

I'm about to reach the halfway mark of this exchange in Seattle, Washington. I'm trying pull my emotions together in the attempt to buy my one way ticket to San Fran. 

I came to Seattle alone on the 5th September, not knowing what I was going to get myself into. I had no expectations of this place although I always knew that this city had a place in my heart. 

And seven weeks into Seattle. I find myself sitting down and figuring how on earth am I going to leave this place that means so much to me. 

The car rides with Kun, the foosball game with Gideon, the walks with Ben the dog, sitting with Dawn under the gazebo, just sitting by the fire place, the soy latte every morning from The Husky Grind, attending classes with Xin Yi, the revelations from God, the experience... everything. 

These memories replay in my head like a broken record before I sleep. I'm finally living my Seattle Dream. 

You are my everything

28 Then Peter called to him, “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”

29 “Yes, come,” Jesus said.

So Peter went over the side of the boat and walked on the water toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the strong[d] wind and the waves, he was terrified and began to sink. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted.

31 Jesus immediately reached out and grabbed him. “You have so little faith,” Jesus said. “Why did you doubt me?”

32 When they climbed back into the boat, the wind stopped. 33 Then the disciples worshiped him. “You really are the Son of God!” they exclaimed.

Tears never fail to stream down whenever I watch Sun's sermons online. Matthew 14. Peter was the only disciple who walked on water. Peter was the only disciple who stepped out of his boat to stepped out of the boat to get a hold of Him. He was crazy, so crazy. The other disciples must have thought he was crazy, probably shameless to walk on freaking water to look for Jesus. 

Soon, Peter was terrified and he began to sink. I think he knew what the danger was before he stepped out of the boat. Nonetheless, he did it. 

While stepping out of the boat and walking out to the water to reach for Jesus, he must have thought, 'Jesus, you are my everything'. When he sank into the water, he wasn't just sinking into mere sea water, but he sunk into God's love. 

Your love so deep
Is washing over me
Your face is all I seek
You are my everything
Jesus Christ
You are my one desire

Lord, teach me how to step out of the boat. Give me faith like Peter. Remind me that when I sink, I'm sinking deep into your love. Into your grace. Into your strength. Lord, you are my everything. Help me to understand what it means when I say, 'you are my everything'. I've got nothing here except you. All of me, in exchange of all of you. 

Amen 

The road to somewhere

'To open the eyes of your heart to see His love for you.' Sun encouraged me with this line. I've been repeating this in my head again and again until it becomes heart knowledge.  

It has been two weeks here. There are days I felt so in awe of God. When I go on a hike in the forest, long walks along the beach, the endless road trips with Rick and Dawn, I cannot help but to be in awe of His glory. In awe. To be in a wide eyed wonder of him. I become so in love with God. How can I not be in awe of His beautiful creations? 

There are days when I'm alone, I think of what's left behind, the sense of escape disappears and coming back to my responsibilities at home. I wonder where is God in guiding me in this life journey. 

Watchman Nee encouraged me with this. 

18 Open the eyes of their hearts, and let the light of Your truth flood in. Shine Your light on the hope You are calling them to embrace. Reveal to them the glorious riches You are preparing as their inheritance. 19 Let them see the full extent of Your power that is at work in those of us who believe, and may it be done according to Your might and power.

Ephesians 1:18

I'm still in the midst of finding God. Finding eternity in Him. 
God, where are you? I miss you. 

to escape

3 more days. 

You did your best, you told yourself you had 60 days to make it work. You want a sweet ending to it, before your wonderlust dreams begin. But you slowly find yourself drowning into a pile of sand it in slow motion. You can't stop it, you cannot control it. 

It just overwhelms you. I've been telling myself this. 

33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will[a] have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.

 I'm waiting for God to reach out his hand towards me to pull me out of this. 

Where are you, God? 

How Reckless

I've been reading The Release of the Spirit by Watchman Nee. Basically the human being is divided into 3 parts, spirit, soul and body. Our spirit resides in our innerman while our body is our outward man. He mentioned, in our lifetime, the main purpose of the Holy Spirit is to break our outward man (body) so that the Holy Spirit can be poured out as our inner spirit flows out. My main take away from that book. A simple book about consecration and simple obedience towards God. Nothing more and nothing less. 

There was not a word or sentence about the love of God in Watchman Nee's book actually. I guess he didn't really talk about it because he assumes that we should understand the love of God before we commit ourselves to consecrate ourselves to him. 

Apart from the parts about loving God, how about the part where I truly understand God's love for me? I mean, yes, I know John 3:16, I know, I do, every week we sing worship songs about God loving me but.. do I really understand God's love and grace towards me? 

The past two services have been reminding me about this. God loving me. Jesus dying on the cross for me. What is the significance of that? I wear the cross on my wrist everyday but do I truly understand the meaning of the cross? 

Pastor Bob shared a word about God's dilemma about holiness and being with his people, basically being transcendent yet immanent in his nature. In order to be both, God became flesh and died on the cross. 

He got chased out of the holy city of Jerusalem, he was sent to Calvary to die on the cross. To die outside the holy city. To die for my fleshly desires. To die for every lie I said to my parents. To die for that every moment I shouted at my parents. To die for every tear shed in my room while my parents argue. To die for every sin I've made. To die for every disappointment I had. 

For every 39 stripes on his body. It was for every cut you make on your wrist. It was for every suicidal moment you had. It was for every moment when you didn't feel good enough. 

He died so that both you and I could live. Simply because he loved you and me. This song Reckless Love by Bethel describes the meaning of the cross. 

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it
I don't deserve it
Still You give yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

I always thought that I was good enough to receive God's love because I was taught that because Jesus had already died for me hence the God's righteousness is in me. Have you felt this way before? 

But after listening to this song and listening to Pastor Bob's word about the cross, I came to a realization I don't deserve it neither can I earn this love. It was the first time I broke myself and truly understood that his love is so immense that I don't deserve this because of every sins I've done. And all I can say is, Thank you, Lord.

I don't know about you, but after knowing how tangible and how wide and how deep and how immense, how intense and how reckless this love is, I can't bring myself to want to love him even more. To love his word even more. To love his presence. To love his everything. 

1-3 God, my shepherd!
    I don’t need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
    you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
    you let me catch my breath
    and send me in the right direction.
4 Even when the way goes through
    Death Valley,
I’m not afraid
    when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd’s crook
    makes me feel secure.
5 You serve me a six-course dinner
    right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
    my cup brims with blessing.
6 Your beauty and love chase after me
    every day of my life.
I’m back home in the house of God
    for the rest of my life.

Finding Solitude

Day 4 of life after Surbana. I spent 3 months, waking up at 6.45am and taking the bus 961 to office every week day. I spend approximately 10 hours in an office filled with people. Even so, sometimes, or even most of the days, I'll pack every night with meet ups after meet ups. I thought I found Solitude in God in the little pockets of time that I had while travelling and at my work place. 

Its been 4 days since my last day of work. Been prepping bible study notes with fiona and my sister next to me. In those moments, I subconsciously thought that, hey I'm finding solitude in God again. I guess I was wrong. I realized that that wasn't solitude because I was still surrounded by people. 

It was only yesterday, after lunch with my cousin, that I had huge pockets of time like 2 hours to spare before the next errand to run. I got a little bit jittery, a little bit lost, in a sense that, I had no one to talk to physically (now its worse that I'm having a really bad and random sore throat) but to jot down my thoughts in my notebook or to read my book. It was a little but uncomfortable at first but after awhile, I got a little bit more used to it. 

Now that I am semi-mute, I can't communicate much with people. Now that the new semester in NUS has begun and a few friends who already flew off for exchange.. the replies become a litle bit slower and slowly there are no notifications appearing at your homepage. It's weird. I'll just be really honest here, it is uncomfortable but I know that this process is really necessary because I need to learn how to find solitude in God. 

In fact I want to be okay with being alone with God. I want to stay on my lane alone with God. I want to learn how to find soltitude in God. I want to come to a place where I understand the concept of my eternity in heaven. 

I would like to come to place where I don't need anyone else but Jesus. I think I can't achieve this in like 1 week but I guess it takes a lifetime for to truly understand this. 

And when I come to die 

When I come to die

When I come to die 

Give me Jesus 

Priorities

4 more days till the end of Sarah Surbana and 28 more days to Seattle. The past three months in Surbana has been a restful yet fulfilling experience. My weekdays are usually packed with meetups after meet ups. It is exhausting sometimes to head out every weekday night and at the same time have a very eventful weekend. Perhaps this is why work is my resting place and my cubicle is my secret hideout.

I'm not sure whether i'm excited to end this internship because I've been packing my schedule with meet ups with different people that it looks quite scary. I've got so many close ones to spend time with before I leave. However time is limited here.

Stressed and burdened. That's how I feel. I feel a sense of urgency to minister to so many people and I try so hard to make a lasting impact before I leave for Seattle. My flesh is so weak but my spirit is willing.

I shared this with Daniel, my great NUS harvesters I/C. 'How am I to prioritize what God wants of me', he wrote. Priorities.

Is me meeting so many people what God wants me to prioritize? or.. is it just spending time.. in my room, with a pen, a highlighter, a moleskine.. and His word.

Perhaps its the latter is what God wants.


Lord, teach me how to prioritize what you want of me. Help me to be a good steward of my time and resources. Speak to me. I'm listening.

Fitting you, brick by brick, stone by stone

19-22 That’s plain enough, isn’t it? You’re no longer wandering exiles. This kingdom of faith is now your home country. You’re no longer strangers or outsiders. You belong here, with as much right to the name Christian as anyone. God is building a home. He’s using us all—irrespective of how we got here—in what he is building. He used the apostles and prophets for the foundation. Now he’s using you, fitting you in brick by brick, stone by stone, with Christ Jesus as the cornerstone that holds all the parts together. We see it taking shape day after day—a holy temple built by God, all of us built into it, a temple in which God is quite at home.

Ephesians 2:19-22

I'm in awe that You would come to me

In awe that I could hear You speak

Speak to me

Speak to me

I'm listening

Speak to me

Speak to me

I'm listening

Wires across

We're walking the wire, love
We're walking the wire, love
We couldn't be higher, up
We're walking the wire, wire, wire

So look out down below
Look out down below
Look out down below
Walking the wire, wire, wire
So look out down below

We're walking the wire
We're walking the wire
We're walking the wire, wire, wire

Bit by bit. You share the unsaid things about your life, you slowly peel off the layers of your heart until you become so raw. You become so vulnerable. Each time you open up yourself, you give a part of yourself away. 

I had this idea that every friendship is like you taking my hand and walking on a thin thread hung across a deep valley together. It's thrilling, its on the edge, each step we take across that stupid wire I have no choice but to trust you even more. 

I guess while crossing this wire. It's not about whether you're holding my hand, but more of, are we able to cross over to the other side? 

#sleethoughts 

Passion

Give me Jesus 
Give me Jesus 
You can have all of this world 
But give me Jesus 

An undescribable feeling I've been feeling since camp.

Milestones

Today was an exceptionally emotionally draining day for me. Not going to go into details but I would like to thank Regi Lee for reminding me of one very important aspect of friendships - milestones. 

I would like to define a friendship as a process. First you both start off as strangers, then acquaintances, then you both realize that there are many things in common and you both start being friends. This is called a process, right? I choose to think that there's a process within this friendship process called the 'milestone processes'. When the friendship hits a certain milestone in the process, its either a make it or break it moment. The process in which you make the decision to make or break the friendship you share with your friend. 

What exactly is this 'milestone process'? 

In all my friendships shared with my best friends, I can guarantee that there was at least one intense moment where there were disagreements or, there were sudden texts like, 'xxx, can I talk to you about something?'. I have to admit that these conversations are the worst and can evoke the shittiest feelings in you. These milestone processes does not necessarily need to be a feedback session but it can be a moment when the both of you get in trouble, cry and get sad together. 

But it is when you through such shitty, sticky and awkward situations with your friend that you experience a milestone in this friendship you both share. I guess this can only happen when both you and your friend are both mature and perhaps forward looking? I guess if you genuinely love each other as friends, I believe that love in the friendship can overcome anything. Sound like love but it is love. 

So, GUYS. When you experience something sour with your friends. FEAR NOT. YOU CAN TURN DISAPPOINTMENTS INTO OPPORTUNITIES. Understand from her perspective and it is only with a different perspective that you can grow as a person. Sieve out all the opportunities you can gain from this shitty process and be positive about it. Quit being a sore. Quit being a chauffeur for your negative emotions. Start being the gem and the light in the darkness of your friendship. 

For the One

Listened to the song titled, 'For The One' by Jenn Johnson for the first time and teared my eyes off. Been serving since exams ended, been doing my best to serve and to love God's people as much as I can, I've been just.. trying to love God with all my strength. 

Let this be my prayer forever more.. 

Thank you Lord, for this privilege to serve you in such a great capacity. It is an honor to be a youth leader to a bunch of youths attempting to just merely love you with all their might. I'm thankful that I'm able to co-lead an awesome programmes team with Jeanette and Melvin. It has been a journey for me in the past 3 weeks in Surbana. Remind me of Solomon's love and honor towards you. Remind me of Peter's boldness in the Book of Acts. Help me to be strong and courageous like how Joshua led the children of Israel across Jordan River. 

Help me to love with open arms like You do, a love that erases all the lines and sees the truth, oh that when they look in my eyes they would see You. Even in just a smile they would feel the Father’s love. 

A-men. 

Moments like this

And we owe it all to Jesus
Sin and all its shame deleted
Death and all its chains defeated
And the light we see is Jesus
And the air we breathe is freedom
And the sound it knows no fear
Your love rules the atmosphere


Its the last day of studying in the Central Library (CLB). I guess CLB holds a very special place in my heart because that was where my friendships grew. Everyone has moved on with their holidays and internship, while I'm still in the library mugging... sigh. 

But I'll definitely miss these moments of printing and studying in CLB for the rest of the year.. Next up.. Internship. 

God bless 

The Simple Pursuit

It has been an exhausting 11 weeks of pretending to listen during lectures, endless writing of reports, editing of slides, keeping up with friends, birthday parties, ministering to the kids, gymming and then rushing from place to place. 

However, I find myself closer and closer to God during this semester. This semester was somehow different from the rest.. conversations did not circle aroung the topic of dating and expectations but it centered around, how Joshua conquered Jericho, the concept of discipline in our lives, academic excellence, on how I can become a quantity surveyor and of course, my projects. 

Now that the semester has come to an end, the CHC trial has finally come to an end (well that's if the Law minister doesn't insist on increasing their sentence). Pastor Phil preached an incredible, heartwarming message about presence of God. A simple thirty minute message of Pslam 42 and that was enough to fill my soul. 

There was an alter call given after the service and I'd must say that this is the most special alter call given because people still accepted God despite the circumstances of the church. Tears welded up in eyes when Pastor Kong was on stage assisting the people who received salvation... Many thoughts went through my head and I was reminded of Pastor Kong and Sun praying for my future in the construction industry.

I remembered the prayer they gave very vividly, although it happened last May. It was during a business fellowship luncheon organized by Rick and Sherie and immediately right after the sharing, Pastor asked whether anyone needed prayer and me being me, went straight up to him and Sun.

My tears slowly streamed down as they laid hands on me and prayed a very simple, genuine prayer over my future in the construction industry.

I'd miss Pastor's faith filled sermons and his lame Instagram posts and these 3.5 years shall swift pass real quick.

As the deer pants for the water brooks,

So pants my soul for You, O God.

My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

When shall I come and appear before God?

Walls of Jericho

15 But it came to pass on the seventh day that they rose early, about the dawning of the day, and marched around the city seven times in the same manner. On that day only they marched around the city seven times. 16 And the seventh time it happened, when the priests blew the trumpets, that Joshua said to the people: “Shout, for the Lord has given you the city!"

Joshua 6:15-16 

Lord, help me to use my time wisely, to have the discipline to exercise grace with my team members, to have the patience to listen to people's struggles, to have the wisdom to say the right things at the right time. I'm not perfect, teach me how to become more christlike everyday. Help me to learn how to put you first in the midst of all these busyness. 

May my walls of Jericho come tumbling down after this season of never ending findings of discrepencies, consultations, reports, charts, diagrams, concrete and re-bars, ministry. Teach me how to be like Joshua. Give me the spirit of obedience, love and discipline to endure this season of my life!

Help me, O Lord! 

Driving with BBDC uncles

Hi readers! This post is going to be a little bit different because I am going to do a review of my learning experience in Bukit Batok Driving Centre (BBDC) from September 2016 to February 2017.

As many of you know, I just graduated from BBDC with a whopping 6 demerit points and a class 3A license. I screamed when the tester handed me the result slip and result was really beyond expectations (I will explain later). Before I begin, I would like to thank my family for being so supportive in this learning process, my friends who are always listening to me rant about how naggy the instructors can be and most of all, most ironically, the instructors, in other words, the uncles in BBDC. 

When you enrol as a school candidate in BBDC, this is a summary of the tests you'll have to take in order before you receive your license: 

1. Basic Theory Test Evaluation 

2. Basic Theory Test 

3. Final Theory Test Evaluation 

4. Road Driving Evaluation (Stage 5) 

5. Traffic Police Test 

Please remember that you'll have to wait for about two weeks before you can take your actual test. So some practice sessions during the waiting time will help you! 

1. Basic Theory Test and Final Theory Test 

When you are a student in BBDC, you HAVE to take an evaluation and attend two lessons before taking the BTT and FTT respectively. I faithfully attended the lessons and spammed practice sessions. I took about approximately about eight hours praticing the questions on the BBDC computers for each test... maybe thats why I got full marks for both. 

The advantage is that you WILL pass your BTT/FTT and you will NOT waste your $6.70 (I think). I recommend that you take both at the same time. In fact, when I took my FTT, the system was down and the testers had no choice but to verbally announce the results. To my surprise, out of 5 persons, only 2/3 managed to pass.. and the majority of people who passed were from BBDC. 

Well, on the flip side, I spent a lot of money on the theory part. Oops! Sorry Patrick and Sam. 

2. Driving on the road 

I was allocated to group 8003. The group leader of 8003 is Mr Teo W H and his members include a group of cute uncles, well except for one who never ever commends you. Just a side note - if the instructor doesn't say anything about your driving, it just means that you DID NOT do anything wrong and you're doing fine. Well, most of the instructors will nitpick you again and again. 

Anyway, I took a total of 31 practical lessons. That's a bit too much actually because normal people usually take about 20-25 practical lessons. Here's the reason why. 

1. I started practical driving lessons when the semester started and I only had time to learn only once a week. 2. I had many many breaks (due to exams and holidays) in between and that caused the delay as well. 3. I was really kiasu 

Well. About the instructors. On hindsight, I guess Mr Teo was the best driving instructor I've ever got. He never complimented me but he'd nag non stop. During my first 4 consecutive sessions with him, he was constantly nagging about how bad my eye line is, how I don't turn properly.. basically he just kept going on about how lousy I was. He was the strictest amongst ALL the instructors I've received and he even failed me for a certain stage before. There were times where I wanted to stop and quit driving because he just kept criticizing me, about how I don't have procedures when changing the lane, parking, etc. 

So one fine day, probably on my 27th lesson, I prayed to God before entering BBDC to ask for a less naggy and strict instructor. HALLELUJAH God blessed me with a nice and kind Malay instructor and really friendly instructors for the subsequent last few lessons. It was so funny like how the rest said that my driving is okay - which was very different from Mr Teo's lessons. From that lesson I realized that Mr Teo really pushed me to go the extra mile in driving.. on hindsight, he really taught me the skills on how to become not just a good driver, but a skillful and safe driver. 

Other than Mr Teo, there were instructors in 8003 like Mr Lim, Mr Tan, and so many more misters who have been nothing but encouraging towards me. I really enjoyed the stories they shared and the constant reminders for me to check my blindspots and mirrors. 

3. Traffic Police Test 

The traffic police test was $242.40 and that amount is just... too much for me to fail my TP. I manged to hitch the 2pm test session and it's nice how they have a prior warm up session at 12.55pm. My test started at 1.45pm and ended at 2.15pm. So this is the thing, if you fail, obviously you have book another traffic police test and book another two practice sessions and that costs you another $400 plus. Therefore, you really need to pass and not waste unecessary money. 

Well, if you get below 20 demerit points, you pass. However, there is a TON of admin work after. You'll have to wait for everyone who passes to gather and watch a safety video together and then wait at the counter to pay for your license. I spent about three hours doing all those nonsense so you might want to bring a book or a portable charger for your mobile device to keep you company. 

So the magic question. How much did Patrick and Sam spend? 

Patrick and Sam spent about $2700.00 and this includes all the theory practices, BTT, FTT, lessons, driving lessons and the test itself. 

If you don't wish to spend so much, then you should make it a point to have at least 2/3 driving lessons every week. This is so that you don't forget whatever driving stuff and you get a regular momentum of driving on the road. 

So, how did I get 6 points.. mhmm.. 

1. A good and friendly tester 

2. Rain 

3. $2700.00 

4. Mr Teo and gang 

5. Talking to parents about driving while they are driving (notice and watch how they maneuvre the car) 

6. Helping my parents or friends check their blindspots when they are changing lane/turning so that you make it a habit when you drive. You will look very stupid but come on you don't want extra demerit points just because you didn't check your blindspots. I think gaining demerit points for failing to check blind spots makes you look more stupid actually. 

7. Reading the book for the circuit portion (trust me I had to force myself) 

8. Confidence 

9. God 

10. Take driving seriously lol 

It has been six days since I've got my license.. and I cannot stop thanking God for giving me this privilege to even learn how to drive. Driving is a luxury.. and I don't wish to take that for granted. 

To all you readers who are taking your test real soon... All the best and be confident!  

Space

You're Gonna Live Forever In Me 

A great big bang and dinosaurs
Fiery raining meteors
It all ends unfortunately

But you're gonna live forever in me
I'll guarantee, just wait and see

Parts of me were made by you
And planets keep their distance too
The moon's got a grip on the sea

And you're gonna live forever in me
I guarantee, it's your destiny

Life is full of sweet mistakes
And love's an honest one to make
Time leaves no fruit on the tree

But you're gonna live forever in me
I guarantee, it's just meant to be

And when the pastor asks the pews
For reasons he can't marry you
I'll keep my word and my seat

But you're gonna live forever in me
I'll guarantee, just wait and see

John Mayer

City of Stars

City of stars
Are you shining just for me?
City of stars
There's so much that I can't see
Who knows?
I felt it from the first embrace I shared with you

That now our dreams
They've finally come true

City of stars
Just one thing everybody wants
There in the bars
And through the smokescreen of the crowded restaurants
It's love
Yes, all we're looking for is love from someone else

Watched La la land with Jonathan last friday. I liked how Chazelle (the director) ended the movie. It was so real yet unreal. An alternative ending the audience craved for instead of what reality was. 

Isn't that what everyone wants? Everyone loves a happy ending, who doesn't? Perhaps we're not entitled to everything in life. I wondered about the pursuit of love with the risk of losing a friendship, a career, a dream, a calling.. it is a give or take, I think. 

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. 

Vacillation to an end

Been thinking about this since last Febuary. I'm already halfway into the deep and what's the difference if I fully submerge myself into the waters later? What will I lose? What will I gain from this? 

Thought about this while brushing my teeth last night. Stared right straight into the mirror and asked myself: Will I become a better version of myself when I take this step forward?

I... don't know. 

But Sarah, 

Just take, one step, closer 

Put one foot in front of the other

You’ll, get through this 

Just follow the light in the darkness 

You’re gonna be ok        

Beautifully in over my head

Would you come and tear down the boxes that I have tried to put You in

Let love come teach me who You are again

Would you take me back to the place where my heart was only about You

And all I wanted was just to be with You

Come and do whatever You want to

In the midst of reading about the problems in the construction industry, tears started to well up while listening to this beautiful song. 

In over my head: 

2. (idiomatic) More than one can handle; too much (especially in over one’s head).

This song has been on repeat for a month now and I only understood the real meaning of it today. I guess the song stuck in my head represented my entire emotions throughout the month of December. 

Lord, tear down those boxes I have tried to put you in. Help me to see from your perspective instead of mine. I may not fully understand your ways but take my hand and guide me through this unknown path; for your ways are higher than mine.  

Amen. 

Alone

Hello stalkers who have clicked on the link on Instagram and Twitter! Indeed, this is not a fake website but it is a blog filled with my emotional thoughts, my complicated feelings, my struggles with life, how I suck it up and continue to trust in Jesus despite the circumstances. 

Hello. That summed up this entire blog and I should consider putting that as my background info. OK BACK TO BLOGGING about my life. I mean, that's why you're here right? Which guy did Sarah like? What happened? What happened between the both of them? Is she still considering to become a cell group leader? How is she? is she ok? Why is she always thankful for her friends? 

Actually I really got my life in order now and I really like how things are now. I've got a personal trainer now to help me sculpt my body and to teach me those cool moves. This is entirely inspired by Kourtney Kardashian honestly because I wake up every morning to her personal training snaps. 

I decided to take on personal training at Celebrity Fitness in Junction 10 (that is really near my house), not because I want to lose weight (making a mini disclaimer) but because I think its time for me to learn how to focus on myself and my fitness. More importantly, I want to feel good about myself. I want to wear that bikini in siloso beach and kayak. I want to be even more confident and people around me will rise up to my level. 

Its the 11th January. I just ended my first training with fiz (my trainer) and she's friggin dope I swear. I died for an instant while doing some of the workouts but ITS SO WORTH IT. I love the idea of someone pushing me and teaching me the right and proper techniques. 

This first training experience was a challenge for me because it was to the point where it became mind over body. On hindsight, it feels so rewarding after accomplishing so many different types of workouts. Although my muscles are aching so much now, its the best feeling ever. 

Another thing I learnt this week was that I really like being alone sometimes. I haven't specially gone out with someone or a group of people since Sunday. Going to BBDC on my own, having lunches alone, going for personal training alone... made me realize that its okay to be alone and it feels nice and refreshing (introverted people I really understand now). 

Somehow the fear of losing people in my life.. seems to be fading away. 

I remember when I was in secondary school, I used to say this, 'People come and go, money comes and go but I don't come and go'. Its based on my own convictions that I don't wish to come and go into people's lives. However, I came to a place where I am okay when people come and go. And I am emotionally okay when people choose to walk out of my life. 

Prof Lu discussed about happiness during his lecture today. He said that most people define happiness based on their relationships and obviously I was very captivated by this. He expounded on how happiness is based on 2 types of relationships, mainly for 1. Connections and 2. Quality Relationships. 

I think I am happy. Honestly. I share so many quality relationships. Not just with my family but with my best friends too. I think I am honestly very blessed to have a complete family and a bunch of quality friends. 

I am happy with my life. Life can be tough and shit can be thrown at me but life still goes on. Work still goes on, the world still revolves around the sun, no one is going to wait for me to mope around and be sad. I've got the most powerful creator behind my back and in front of me. 

For those of you who are discontented with life. I don't know what your struggles are, I don't know what has happened in your family or that drama between you and your ex. But I understand and it hurts. You cry, you try all ways to move on, you become vindictive, you's ask yourself, WHY IS THE WORLD AGAINST ME?

I'm not some cell group leader but trust me, I've been hurt. And I completely understand. 

All you need to do is to acknowledge your feelings, move on, do something about it and be happy and contented. Say no to the things you don't want to do, say yes to the things YOU WANT to do. 

haha sounds so easy but its hell difficult I swear. 

Searching everywhere

Hi everyone! Hi stalkers and Instagram profile checkers who have clicked on this link. 

(Now playing: Love on the brain - Rihanna) 

Happy New Year to everyone. 2016 has been a tough year, for me at least. A week of the new year have passed and 90% of people I've interacted said that 2016 was a rollercoaster, emotional, etc. Well, that's for me as well. 

2016 was emotionally tiring for me and it was about trying new things too. Changing cell groups, being a clan head for church camp, stepping out of my comfort zone, had an awesome and stressful internship with Corporate-I, camped in and out of CLB with fiona (we spent approximately more than 100 hours there in 2016 alone), endless projects, worked on a tender with my parents for the first time and so many more experiences. All these moulded me into who I am today, though. 

There are still many questions left unanswered in my head. Questions that only God can answer and no one else can. But all that remains in 2016 and I've made a conscious decision to move on from those uncertainty. 

This question has been lingering in my head since 2017 started. Do I know who am I? Have I found myself? 

Yes, no, I don't know, but its probably a yes. I would say that the issues and circumstances that happened in 2016 moulded and defined who I was. It was in 2016 that I took a step of faith to believe in my parents vision to introduce the value of play into society. 2016 was also the year I decided to plunge into the unknown waters of a completely new cell group. Perhaps taking over my parents' company and becoming a cell group leader seems to be the path set out for me. But is it really want I want? Or rather, what God wants? 

But who exactly is Sarah Lee here? I guess I'll never ever find out this answer because relationships are always changing, my circumstances change, views change, my character, my personality gets modified a certain way. 'I'm going to travel to the US to find myself' or, 'I'm going to travel to find myself', are those things the internet says or some self-help books say. Yea right, that bullshit ain't gonna happen. I think travelling gives people new perspectives but it doesn't allow you to find your life purpose. 

How am I going to attempt to find myself? 

2017 is going to be about finding out more about myself and finding out more perspectives about life. 2017 is not going to be about finding love because I've realized that God is love, family is love and friends are love. 

My driving license is on its way and my Seattle dream is finally coming true. 2017 is going to be about saying more nos than yeses. 2017 is going to be about loving myself, my family and best friends. 

No one is going to dictate what I do, my choices, who I want to hang out with, how I want to spend my time, who I spend my time with. Life is unpredictable and I am unpredictable. haha.