Different Stages

小酒窝长睫毛是你最美的记号

我每天睡不着想念你的微笑

你不知道你对我多重要

有了你生命完整的刚好

Thank you for the late night walk, the conversations at the bus stops, the prayers we share, the long bus rides, the friday night prayer meetings, and the list goes on.. and on... 

Will miss those times where you'd whistle 小酒窝 after I sing the chorus to you though. 

I guess this is the end of this chapter. It has been an arduous past 6 months, for me at least. 2017 is going to be the best year yet. cheers to finding out more about ourselves and growing more and more in love with God each and every single day. 

If two people are meant to be together, they'll eventually find their way back to each other. haha.  

I came for you

All it takes is one moment

And just one touch from you

I put aside all distractions

Cause I came for you, I came for you

It has been a week and a half since finals have ended. Been spending time with the best bunch of friends and the cell group recently. This week has been filled with endearing and edifying conversations that filled my inner spirit man. 

For those of you who have been to my room, I have a canvas that says, 'Loving God wholeheartedly and loving people fervently'. I must admit, it is very challenging to love someone, a friend, a husband, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a sibling, a friend, unconditionally. I find myself struggling to love without expectations. Well, truth being said, its impossible to love without expectations, but its possible to lower your expectations when you love. 

Love and forgiveness are synonymous in nature. However I find it extremely arduous to forgive sometimes. Sometimes I wonder how Jesus can forgive his enemies, the pharasees and scribes so readily? Like how is that even humanly possible? I guess it was really the holy spirit that helped Jesus walked through his journey as a human. 

Holy Spirit,

 Fill me with your love and grace each and every single day

Reveal your powers through me 

Anoint my lips with your loving words 

Teach me how to forgive just like how Jesus forgave his enemies 

Mould me and change me 

More of you and less of me 

Amen.

Racing

Hello everyone, time to properly update everyone here on my life. 4 papers down and 1 more to go. Been studying almost everyday in the library since 7th November and its already 28th November. It feels very long, my eyelids become heavier each day, sometimes I even have to force myself out of bed at 7.20am. I'm getting bored of studying pop but I still thank God for J3sus Songz to uplift my spirit man. 

Above it all, I'm still learning how to consciously see the positive in everything and how Jenn Johnson puts it, to magnify God's perspective in everything you do. I know it sounds very duh but as we grow older, we're exposed to more perspectives and emotions. Somehow it feels like its a very natural human tendency to feel negative or to just shove your head into this swirl of negativity. It's almost like quick sand, if you don't stop it, you'd just sink deeper and deeper into it. It sounds so obvious but yet its so true. 

Nonetheless, thank God for encouraging friends who struggle the woes of finals with me, for young cell group members who never fail to make me smile every weekend, for the wonderful and anointed cell group leaders I have. I thank God for the endless conversations about Him with Fiona, the grace we share before Yong Tau Foo at The Deck, the never ending conversations about construction and JJ Lin. I always admired Gerald's friendship with his best friend Ryan, like how God is the centre of their friendship and how they have similar goals in serving in church... And I dare say that this is finally coming true in my life, in a sense that He has blessed me with a wonderful, bubbly, God fearing, friend like Fiona to struggle this race with me. 

Thank God for everything la. 

Ray of light

等到黑夜翻面之后 會是新的白晝

等到海嘯退去之后 隻是潮起潮落

別到最后你才發覺 心裡頭的野獸

還沒到最終就已經罷休

心臟沒有那麼脆弱 總還會有執著

人生不會隻有收獲 總難免有傷口

不要害怕生命中 不完美的角落

陽光在每個裂縫中散落

Cried balls after watching the music video of 裂縫中的陽光. Extremely thankful for the people who love me for who I am. Thank you for being my light when everything seem so dark sometimes (Don't worry, I'm not sad). 

Seems like things are changing and I can't help but to feel powerless. I don't really like change and I like control over my time, space, everything. Seems like everything are getting better, at least. 

Nontheless, God is good. (Well someone challeneged me, 'Sarah, do you think the entire bible is actually a conspiracy so that the world can conform to this set of 'moral values'?)

Sorr y for the really messy and unorganized thoughts. haha. 

To put an end

4 more hours. Heart racing as I prepare for tomorrow's presentation, for the revision to be done in the next 2 weeks, for finals coming up in 2 weeks time. Entangled with my feelings, been asking God to shut the door to the best of my ability for the past 12 weeks. I guess its time to shut this door on my own. But mum says that God doesn't shut doors because of his grace towards us. 

I hope everything gets better after today. Cheers to a new beginning! 

Memories on tarmac

Sarah Lee, [02.11.16 22:26]

In 171, with my headphones on, cruising through bukit timah road. Thank God there wasn't a jam. (Bukit timah kids will understand this pain) 

That whole stretch of tarmac held a lot of dear memories, in fact. 

I took a bus on my own for the first time and got lost. Squeezing with those sweaty Hwa Chong boys after a long session of Girls' Brigade every Friday. Sixth Avenue was my favourite family hang out spot. Remembered eating yoghurt with Gerald, Marcus and Lovewell at coffee bean. Gerald introducing to us the glorious world of MBTI personality types. Dad would buy us ice cream at the Macdonald's drive through on Friday nights. Talking to Rachel Tjah the first time on 67. Meeting Jia Yan in 67 on her first day of IB in 2013... oh, those primary school memories and the rowdy bus rides we shared along that long, treacherous stretch of road! 

Bus memories. I had many fond ones and not so fond ones. I remember getting into a cat fight with a sec 1 girl because I suspected she was taking photos of me in 961. While there were fond memories of... alone times, conversations about church, members, God, the cell group, how O levels were so difficult, about how we will never get together. (Laughs)

Draw Me

Oh draw me, oh draw me, away

Messiah today 

To your presence to stay 

Oh Jesus, 

Now change me and mould me 

That I can be 

Ever more true to thee 

-

That's my prayer for the rest of the year, or even my entire life, and may the things of the world become strangely dim. 

Unchanging, unfailing

Love unfailing truth unchanging
I depend on You
Faithful Father peace forever
I will rest in You

Unshakable my hope remains
Lord I believe in You

You are strength for those in need
You are defender of the weak
You are everything we need
You are our God You are our God

God of mercy I will live in praise of all You've done
God eternal by Your power I will overcome 

I still remember worshipping God with this song one afternoon in my room when I was secondary 3. I remember crying out to God, telling Him that I didn't want to drop to Chinese language syllabus 'B'. Indeed with prayer and supplication, I am now here in NUS. All glory to God!

Think I think too much

Construction/Tower Cranes/Climbing cranes/Church/Family/Grandpa's passing on/my calling/my dreams/my aspirations/scholarships/playgrounds/friends/cellgroups/dating/prayers/intercessions/God/love/recess week/strength/food/songs/best friends/expectations/love/you (haha)/goodbyes

This is what I'm thinking of almost every day. Complicated thoughts here eh.

Thank you, for everything

Its been 8 months since it happened, things have changed drastically and little did I know that things will change so much. 

It all started last Saturday, after a long day of lunch, cell group and bible study, I felt a wave of gratefulness overwhelm me. I didn't know how privileged I am to have Gerald, Leila and Brenda to lead me to who God wants me to become. I had no idea how much time was invested on me to become who I am today until last Saturday. Being a leader in church, now I know how it feels when you sacrifice playing time with friends to give bible study to your members. Thank you for not giving up on me. 


To all my best friends - 

Thank you for loving me wholeheartedly. I appreciate everything, from the endless laughters about stupid things to the tears we shed together. You have no idea how much it means to be when you say, 'Sarah can I come to your house?' 'Sarah I love you so much' 'Sarah Thank you understanding'. I made some mistakes earlier in the year, I'm so grateful for guys taking sides (not like any of you did) and handling the whole matter so maturely and gracefully. Even though I made things difficult for you all, you all still came to my house, to fellowship with my family and I, to share my burdens with me, for being so responsive when I invite you guys over. 


Last night, I asked God, 'God, what did I do to deserve such friendships?' I don't know but I know I'm so, so, blessed to have such friends in my life. I don't know what I did but thank you everyone for loving me. 

Fill me with power and truth, fill me with love from you  

Selfish motives

Wohoo I think my feelings got ahead of me. Zoomed right straight into my face when I was in Australia. I'm trying my very, very, best to erase it. Unfortunately, nothing seems to work now. Ignoring/not replying/double ticking/blue ticking is just a slippery slope in this case. I think time will help me, I need to get over this. 

Friendships are just like sunsets, the sun sets, light fades and darkness creeps in. (Well that's if you choose to let go) It's only a matter of time till the sun sets. I hope my attempt to erase you from my life will make things better, for me. 

I'm not sure if this is a very selfish thing to do. There's so much stake in this. I want to save myself from falling to deep into the trap, at the same time, I know you'd wouldn't like it as well. I think you're okay, you're sufficient without me, its okay, I can live without you. 

Urgh I need help. Real help.

No One Like You

Thoughts in my brain

I want to give this up/I don't want to give this up/I'm stuck/ I'm so afraid to lose everything/Holding on to everything so tightly/I cannot let go/I can let go/This is a start of something new/Jesus help me/My friends support me/I'm afraid to lose my friends/I love God/ Does God love me/ Does God understand/Yea, I think God understands 

I want to know You more 

I want to know You more 

My heart is searching for 

More of You once more 

Oh my Lord 

There's no one like You 

Draw me closer to You 

No one like You 

I am desperate for You 

No one like You 

I am lost without Your love, Your love 

Come like a fire in this place

My heart's desire, set me ablaze 

Closer and closer, face to face 

With You, with You

The Start of Something New

24 weeks of year 1 just passed by like that. I could safely say that I have found myself during my first year in uni. Semester 2 was rather special in a sense that I got even closer to my friends and more importantly, God. In sem 2, I found myself stepping out of my comfort zone, taking a step of faith to pursue my dreams.

-

The most defining moment

In the middle of sem 2, the most defining moment was when Gerald preached about Moses and the firing bush. He said that it was an impromptu message and it was something deep from his heart. In that moment, when he explained about how Moses was struggling to chase God's purpose for him, I felt as if God was speaking to me and pushing me to start something new.

At that point of time, I honestly felt like shit because I felt I was the most unworthy person to all my friends and family and my self esteem was lower than the deepest foundation. Those words in the text just kept appearing in my head, the accusations, everything, just kept repeating in my head. I was struggling. After that cell group meeting, I was extremely conflicted.

I started asking myself, if I'm such a bad person or a person that does shit in the club, then who am I to lead prayer meetings or even to receive a prayer from my cell group leader or even have God to listen to my prayers. If what that person said was true, then I think I'm probably one of the worst person in the world.

Sometimes I still feel this way. Sometimes before I sleep, I think about this and ask God whether am I really that bad of a person. I was really affected by it.

Nonetheless, I took the courage to believe that all my sins were forgiven and repented and moved on. Just like Moses, he did his own set of wrong doings but yet he just did what God told him to do. Just like Moses, I asked God whether I was good enough to lead a prayer meeting or to become a leader in church.

And I just did it anyway.

I decided to blog about this because I teared a bit when Pastor Kong and Sun prayed for me pursuing my passions and I got reminded of this episode of my life.

For all you stalker readers here, don't be afraid to chase your dreams, surround yourselves with positive friends who will grow with you and I believe with all my heart that you'll definitely find yourself in a better place.


-

Passion

I found my passion somewhere in the middle of sem 2. It's not in radio, neither is it in life saving nor swimming, but in my course, Project and Facilities Management. Don't ask me how it all happened but that sparked just came all of a sudden.

Now I know the real reason why I chose PFM. I want to honor my parents, I want to continue their legacy in the playground industry and I believe in the value of playgrounds. It scares me every time when I think about this becoming a sun-set industry but I believe that God will make a way for us. It was a very sudden thing that I started being more interested in the construction landscape. I don't mind standing in front of a construction site from a far just to observe what the supervisors and construction workers are doing. It's just very invigorating for me.

Because of this passion in me, I decided to take up an internship in an events company. (I took up this internship partly cause I wanted to save money to travel as well) Its 9.40pm now and I'm dead tired. This afternoon when I was working, there were so many moments when I wanted to give up until Joshua replied my tweet, '20% passion, 80% choice' and that really reminded me of my passion towards PFM.

At the same time, I don't think this passion would last for so long if it wasn't for Fiona. Thank you for indulging in me, for being the most supportive christian friend in uni... and for always keeping me grounded in Jesus.

-

It seems like everything goes back to Jesus and yes, Jesus is everything to me. That kind of sums up my first year in NUS.

-

I'm supposed to be studying

Approximately 17 more days to finals and I am no where near my notes. Things haven't been the best so far. Sometimes I look back and go, ' Damn Sarah why did you have to do it?'. Well, I've got nothing to say to myself.

A few nights ago, I just realized that we're so imperfect. People can disappoint you, you can disappoint people, people can say the wrong things to you, you can say hurtful things to people, vice versa. And it just came into my head that its okay because we're only humans. Of course, this doesn't give us the ability to screw up on purpose and not learn from our mistakes. I think the tipping point happens when you realize that you were wrong and you learn from it and then, you move on. 

Sometimes I can't seem to forgive myself and some of you reading this might be feeling this way. too. That you're never enough or you're not fit to be someone's friend or lover. Trust me, despite the cheerful and loud personality I have, sometimes I never feel sufficient. 

But something changed a few days ago. I realized that I shouldn't live my life for people, to satisfy people's expectations but to live my life for God alone. Things are going to be tough in a next couple of days and weeks but I can do this. 

Thank you Jia Yan and Regi for forgiving me. Perhaps I shouldn't have done it but thank you for accepting the quirky, eccentric, straightforward me. 

Close to you

Close to you

Nothing but a tear, that's all for breakfast
Watching you pretend you're unaffected
You're pulling our connections, expecting me to let you go
But I won't

No you don't need my protection
But I'm in love, can't blame me for checking
I love your direction, hoping that the message goes

Somewhere close to you
Close to you
Like so close if they hurt you, you wouldn't find out
Just say now, I'm coming right now, to be close to you

Said you let it go, you kept it
Working hard to perfect it
Now your fear is reckless, and it's out of your control
Would you let it go?

No you don't need my protection
But I'm in love, can't blame me for checking
I love your direction, hoping that the message goes

Somewhere close to you
Close to you
Like so close if they hurt you, you wouldn't find out
If you let me, I'd be there by now
Close to you

Rihanna

Greater are you

I have read 

And I have sung 

All the songs of your love and what its done 

I have prayed and I have praised 

To the best of my abilities allow

Greater are you 

Over the worst of pain 

Under your loving grace

I'm restored 

Now all that I am is yours 

Worshipped God with this song during service on Saturday and I was so touched by the lyrics of this beautiful piece of writing. I followed the lyrics very closely while singing this new song. I stood very awkwardly next to my mum, my eyes were opened wide, my hands sheepishly lifted up, but I was tearing my eyes out. Instantly, I felt God's love overwhelm me. Suddenly, I didn't need to feel strong anymore. In fact, I was in a very vulnerable position. It felt as if my burdens were lifted off my shoulders.

Then, Sun was preaching the word and the topic was, 'Our weakness, His strength'. Instantly, I knew this message was prepared for me. What Sun preached about confirmed God's word for me.

That I don't need to be strong for him anymore.

Burnt

I watched 'Burnt' last Thursday and the protagonist reminded me about some personal issues that I've been facing for the past couple of weeks. There was a scene when the counsellor was trying to speak some sense into the main protagonist and she said something like that, 'You're acting this way because you're afraid of failure and disappointments.' It felt as if the counsellor was talking to me. 

I researched about this disappointment thing that I've been experiencing and I realised that it's an ENFJ issue. ENFJs tend to give in a lot and they have the tendency to blame themsleves when things go wrong, and not to give themselves credit when things go right. Not trying to sound very modest here but I'm like that. Perhaps this could be the reason why I never feel I'm good enough for anybody, even though I did my best. 

For the past weeks or even months, I've been feeling like a disappointment to my family and friends. I think for my entire life, I've been trying so hard to make people happy, to please my friends, to help them to the best of my ability, to attempt to understand them as much as I can.. and the list goes on.. but yet, somehow, especially now, I feel like a disappointment.  

On the other hand, perhaps I'm feeling disappointed now because I had expectations of people and they unfortunately didn't meet up to those expectations. Being disappointed with myself and people, I've come to a point where I don't try so hard anymore because I don't want to experience the melancholy of disappointment ever again. 

Despite all these disappointments, I'm still going attempt to love people fervently and do my best in every friendship I have. Not to brag about how good a friend I am but I will give my all for those important friendships in my life. If its not reciprocal, its okay because I did my best. However, isn't this loving without expectations? It's hard for me to really love without expectations because its in our very human nature to set expectations. Nonetheless, I still want to try. 

I want to be like Jesus, who could love the unlovable without expectations. I'm trying. Quoting from someone, 'Only He can satisfy our deepest needs, and we go to no one and nothing else to fulfil them or find temporary solutions, simply because no one nor life owes us anything'. 

Sorry to those whom I have disappointed, I'm still trying.