Burnt

I watched 'Burnt' last Thursday and the protagonist reminded me about some personal issues that I've been facing for the past couple of weeks. There was a scene when the counsellor was trying to speak some sense into the main protagonist and she said something like that, 'You're acting this way because you're afraid of failure and disappointments.' It felt as if the counsellor was talking to me. 

I researched about this disappointment thing that I've been experiencing and I realised that it's an ENFJ issue. ENFJs tend to give in a lot and they have the tendency to blame themsleves when things go wrong, and not to give themselves credit when things go right. Not trying to sound very modest here but I'm like that. Perhaps this could be the reason why I never feel I'm good enough for anybody, even though I did my best. 

For the past weeks or even months, I've been feeling like a disappointment to my family and friends. I think for my entire life, I've been trying so hard to make people happy, to please my friends, to help them to the best of my ability, to attempt to understand them as much as I can.. and the list goes on.. but yet, somehow, especially now, I feel like a disappointment.  

On the other hand, perhaps I'm feeling disappointed now because I had expectations of people and they unfortunately didn't meet up to those expectations. Being disappointed with myself and people, I've come to a point where I don't try so hard anymore because I don't want to experience the melancholy of disappointment ever again. 

Despite all these disappointments, I'm still going attempt to love people fervently and do my best in every friendship I have. Not to brag about how good a friend I am but I will give my all for those important friendships in my life. If its not reciprocal, its okay because I did my best. However, isn't this loving without expectations? It's hard for me to really love without expectations because its in our very human nature to set expectations. Nonetheless, I still want to try. 

I want to be like Jesus, who could love the unlovable without expectations. I'm trying. Quoting from someone, 'Only He can satisfy our deepest needs, and we go to no one and nothing else to fulfil them or find temporary solutions, simply because no one nor life owes us anything'. 

Sorry to those whom I have disappointed, I'm still trying.