life goes on

Like an echo in the forest
하루가 돌아오겠지
아무 일도 없단 듯이
Yeah, life goes on
Like an arrow in the blue sky
또 하루 더 날아가지
On my pillow, on my table

Yeah, life goes on like this again 

i still cry when i listen to this track because 

25th year lessons

things have been tough since 2020 though. 2020 was a year of many ups and downs. in fact i think many more downs than ups. on hindsight, there were many tears shed in the car, in the pool, before i sleep. i think i had to go through 2020 to realise certain things about myself that i needed to work on. 

closed 2-3 final accounts, fell in and out of love, yeye's passing - were one of obstacles i had to overcome in 2020. feelings of uncertainty, loss, sadness, stress came in quite frequently. 

at 25, i concluded that i deserve the best. i dont deserve someone who doesnt appreciate me for me. i dont deserve nothing less of what i can offer. and what i mean is - if at work im not happy with something, i will take courage and confront it head on. if someone i like don't reciprocate and appreciate me, its time to drop it and move on. if something is wrong, i need to do something about it and not let it constantly affect me. 

i think i want to stay single for the next 1-3 years. i dont really care whether i meet everyone's expected timeline of marriage or career. haha. probably want to spend the next 3 years exploring the world, experiencing life without the liabilities of good debt and the commitment for the future. 

i want to enjoy life as it is, to take one step at a time, to embrace every moment, to seize every opportunity, to feel every emotion - whether good or bad. i want to make good decisions, buy myself a gucci wallet and watch a BTS concert with my jungkookies. 

life is short, if you're going through a tough time - i suggest that you could take a step back, think about what makes you happy and do it. if you're in a wrong relationship and its not making you happy, i suggest that you be brave and drop it and live your best life. if you like a certain pop star or group, i suggest you to join the fan club and pay that 30 USD, follow their twitter, buy their merch, watch as many youtube videos as you can. i would also like to suggest that if you really like that branded item, ponder for a bit (but not too long tho) and just buy it. 

i remember my mom sharing with me that part of enjoying life is paying for something without the huge financial commitments at the back of your head. not saying that you shouldn't buy a big ticket item so quickly - but more like asking yourself how do you want to enjoy life. 

xx

from death to life

You are closer, closer than my skin
You are in the air I'm breathing in
Here's where the dead things
Come back to living
I feel my heart beating again
Feels so good to know You are my friend

Communion, Maverick City 

i want to feel my heart beating again 

so close to love

Thinking about you

As I'm lying next to someone else

Drinking without you, oh

Doesn't fix me but it kinda helps

Oh, I still wish we could go back to where we started

When you left your T-shirt at my old apartment

Have you ever wondered if you loved me harder

Where we'd be, where we'd be now?

Yeah, we got so close, so close to love

But you had to go and mess it up

Was it all too much or just not enough?

When we got so close, so close to love

Yeah, we got so close, so close to love

But you had to go and mess it up

Was it all too much or just not enough?

When we got so close, so close to love

I never noticed, oh

I was busy tryna work this out

Why was I holding on

When I knew you'd only let me down?

But I still wish we could go back to where we started

When you left your T-shirt at my old apartment

Have you ever wondered if you loved me harder

Where we'd be, where we'd be now?

So Close (NOTD with Georgia Ku & Captain Cuts) 

i remember driving along KPE en route to hougang blasting this song. i stepped on the accelerator after the last traffic camera when the bass dropped. thinking to myself that i will never come to a situation like this with you. i was so confident that this song would not be a reflection of how i would feel next time. that it will never come.

i used to love driving to this song with the confidence that we were invincible. but now i drive with this song, thinking how we were so close to love, that you were someone i loved and now i have to let you go. 

now when i play with this song, i look toward the passenger seat and id imagine you looking at me speed. maybe i'd never get over this but i miss you in my car and i wish you were next to me in your rayban and telling me how unsafe a driver i am. 

can i not let you go? can you stay? can u come back? please? 

i pin this to the cross

i pin everything onto the cross

whatever impure thoughts and actions 

i pin it, onto the cross 

more of you 

and less of me 

teach me, to be intentional in becoming more christlike 

waiting for you

 I said I'd wait, just waiting for you
Born to wait, why? 'Cause you aren't gonna move
Something must've been wrong
'Cause you slept with your light on
I watched you cry over somebody else
Maybe things would be different if you knew how I felt
We're windows apart
But I'm here for you to lean on

Oh moonflower
I could watch you for hours
Must be lonely in outer space

Oh moonflower
I dream of our encounter
When we finally come face to face

I left a message written for you
Put it in my window, waiting for you
Is it too much, maybe I should take it down?

Mhmm
I heard the plan that you're blasting your tunes
Swag on, like great music taste for you
I will never be like them
They could…

Moonflower 

Maya Delilah

Love, me

I love you, in a really really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me. - Meredith Grey 

my hope

exploration 

new coffee places, cafes, food, carefully saved in a folder 

these places 

were something i looked forward every week with you 

meeting in school 

picking you and Elle from the grey solemn looking round about 

long hugs along the canal 

netflix parties 

netflix in the car 

car rides 

swimming pool races 

wearing sunglasses 

holding hands 

making out 

cooking in your house 

lying down on your lap while staring at the HSBC logo

meeting your grandma 

your brothers 

to travel to bangkok 

getting drunk together

was something i hoped for 

a pair of confident lovers 

was what i projected of us 

until that very day 

all these hopes 

I had to remove

with the erasers you gifted 

perhaps the hardest 

is not the reason

but the hope i had of us

i guess

its time to put it aside 

in the air tight box you gifted 

as well 

to my fav friend

you said, my resolve wasn't strong 

and after a couple of days, i agree, with you, wholeheartedly, that my convictions towards my career, sex, myself, friends, relationships were not strong enough in 2020. 

i thought about it long and hard, 

why was 2019 better than 2020. It was precisely because God was my sole conviction for 2019, and not 2020. 

in 2019 i was doing things back to back. maybe if you'd met Sarah in 2019, maybe youd like her. 

i was doing at least three things a day, 

dissertation, school, exams, bible school, and then bible school, work, serving, cell group. 

I had all the energy to do that because i was convicted in God to fulfil all these. 

in 2020 i started the year by saying that it was going to be a year of rest and taking things slow. 

towards the year end, you commented that i lacked resolve, i lacked conviction, i lacked ambition, i lacked confidence. again, i agree a 110% and thats because my conviction in God sort of dwindled as 2020 passed. perhaps it was covid, it was the social distancing, the lack of community, that attributed to the lack of resolve. i dont know, maybe i was distracted. 

in the entire 2020, my quiet time became blase, i started getting distracted during bible studies, my prayers became very short, i tried my bible reading plan with derick, but it somehow, just faded out. 

God wasnt in the middle of the picture. i started being suay bian about cell group meetings. i know i made myself sound very religious, someone with strong convictions in the beginning, but everything didn't add up in 2020. 

but in 2021, i do want to come back strong, with godly convictions, in my career/friendships/relationships. and i definitely want to be better than last year. 

-

thank you, dominic, for everything, 

for pushing me to live with conviction.

i dont think that was your intention, 

but you made me realise that God is the reason for my career, my relationships and my life. 

ive been an emotional wreck for the past week. 

and im not sure how long more i need; maybe 2 months, 6 months, a year, not sure. 

i have been reminiscing our coffee runs, sitting at Marina Bay facing the HSBC sign and just chatting, our meals in hougang, our car conversations, our late night 3/4am texts, hugs while travelling up and down the escalator, the good morning texts.. and everything else in between. i tear everytime i think of the good time we spent, because it has been a while since someone made me this happy. 

i thought i could have more, i thought  me, you tyro, my sister could have a meal in saizeriya. i thought we could have our swimming competition and you'd let me win. i thought we could spend more time next to a water body, just enjoying each other's presence. 

now everything has stopped and what happened in the past three months is now just a good memory. 

and i say this, with great sadness, that i will miss you suta and i can never find another you. 

although we discussed about how we can be friends and how we were gonna maintain this friendship, im not sure how now. 

but maybe in due time, we can have yet, one more coffee run, together. 

i hope i can be strong, not in myself, but in God. 

for, i believe, 

It is no longer I, but Christ, that lives in me. 

thank you suta for everything. i hope you still find me intense. 

i hope you read this and you would have moved on be the best you can. 

someone once said, "if two people are meant to be, they will eventually find their way back to each other", and thats if God permits.