i dont know what is enough

wayne choong said this, 'perhaps one of the reasons why you're not recieving so much more is because some of you say, 'I'm too tired, because revival equates to more follow ups, more phone calls, more texting, more going out, more this and more that...' 

it struck me because:
1. i felt he was saying the truth 
2. it was something ive been thinking a lot lately 

Putting what wayne said on hold -. 

Arcadis. the pressure to perform well, the pressure to count the accurate amount of piles, to print the correct number of documents, to make sure you don't ask more than 3 questions regarding one task within 5 minutes because you don't want your manager to think you're stupid or lazy. 

Sometimes i feel alone in this really because no one around me, except my PFM friends, Isaac and my parents are in this industry. i finally see beauty and purpose in what i do as a junior quantity surveyor. everything i do counts. every single damn thing counts. even counting each pile countes. checking and making a list of appendices which are in A3 counts. im trying to see purpose, i am trying to make things work and to make myself happy in the process. 

i know i cannot suddenly be the best qs in the world after i graduate and i know it takes time. im trying to see how i can factor God into this equation. im trying to tell myself that no matter how mundane and boring it could be, THIS IS GOOD FOR ME. that i am honoring my parents. and that when i honor my parents it shows i love God. It shows my dedication for him. 

im trying but i still feel so far away. 

being a clan head again. 'lets make heartcore great again'. I really do want to make heartcore great again. i told my members that they are winners. but they didnt win any games. im trying to help that girl, that boy to feel that all they need  is jesus to be a winner and nothing less. 

going back to what wayne choong said. 

yea its true that im too tired of everything. im tired of doing my third internship. im tired to keep serving and interning every summer. im tired from honoring my parents and to hold on to this dream. im tired of attending everything and doing everything. but i know its worth it. 

i dont feel God now. but i know He is real and this is worth it. I dont feel him now, I don't know where he is but I know he is always next to me. I feel like a loser sometimes but I know that I'm a winner according to God's word. 

im trying to tell God that i love him. im trying my best. i want to step out of my boat, walk towards him and give my life to him. I'm trying. 

and i will never stop doing this simply because there is more. 

Here I am; next to you

But here I am
Next to you
The sky is more blue
In Malibu
Next to you
In Malibu
Next to you

We watched the sun go down as we were walking
I'd spend the rest of my life just standing here talking
You would explain the current, as I just smile
Hoping I just stay the same and nothing will change
And it'll be us, just for a while
Do we even exist?
That's when I make the wish
To swim away with the fish

He really wants me to win

This is probably the most mentally tiring finals I ever had. 

This is probably the first time I teared while studying. 

Jesus wants me to win. I'm trying to believe that I am already a winner in His eyes. I'm trying, really trying. 

God, I'm not sure what your plans are but I choose to trust you and believe that I'm a winner in your eyes. 

to get out of the loser cave

A member always used this to encourage me all the time. 

'God will only give you what you cannot handle'. 

I was always appreciative of the amount of comfort that sentence gives. However, there was always a pinch of doubt whenever i thought about it. Soon after, after listening to a Steven Furtick sermon during my Surbana days, I totally rejected this encouragement all together. 

Steven Furtick shared this. 

1 cor 4:7 Paul says, 'we now have this light shining in our hearts but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure. This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves. 

God will never give me what I can only handle. He will give me something I can cannot handle. So that I can draw strength from him. So that doing the impossible will make it clear that my power is clearly not from me, but from Him. 

i've been studying in clb and med almost everyday since the 15th April 2018. I know i post a lot on instagram about how much im in clb, all the goodie bags received, me making fun of fiona and jeshua all, but behind the camera im honestly dying inside. 

These are my thoughts. Is this worth it? Is this A worth my time? What if i dont do well? Does God mind me taking more time to study so that i can do well? am i gonna burn out? 

but i realized that i'll be a loser if i was stuck in this cave of uncertainty and questions. so ive been very reminded of what steven furtick said. 'God will give you what you cannot handle.' 

God will never give me what I can handle. if not then, what's the point of the holy spirit, i dont need to be a christian to do well, everyone in the whole damn clb can handle finals and have the strength to achieve those As. 

also. another thing. I realized that studying for finals is really not about strength to finish all the chapters. really everyone in the whole damn NUS has that strength to get a cap 5.0 even with or without Jesus.

so sarah, then what strength are you talking about? Perhaps im talking about that strength to do my quiet time everyday, to read His word everyday, to come before his feet and simply wait for His presence. I think this is real strength. 

i think it requires strength to even say this, 'you can have all this world but give me Jesus'. to trade my grades for Jesus. In that moment of worshipping God with those lyrics, it seems so easy and convenient to trade everything for Jesus. But during seasons of trial and exams, sarah are you willing to do that?