Love, me

I love you, in a really really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me. - Meredith Grey 

my hope

exploration 

new coffee places, cafes, food, carefully saved in a folder 

these places 

were something i looked forward every week with you 

meeting in school 

picking you and Elle from the grey solemn looking round about 

long hugs along the canal 

netflix parties 

netflix in the car 

car rides 

swimming pool races 

wearing sunglasses 

holding hands 

making out 

cooking in your house 

lying down on your lap while staring at the HSBC logo

meeting your grandma 

your brothers 

to travel to bangkok 

getting drunk together

was something i hoped for 

a pair of confident lovers 

was what i projected of us 

until that very day 

all these hopes 

I had to remove

with the erasers you gifted 

perhaps the hardest 

is not the reason

but the hope i had of us

i guess

its time to put it aside 

in the air tight box you gifted 

as well 

to my fav friend

you said, my resolve wasn't strong 

and after a couple of days, i agree, with you, wholeheartedly, that my convictions towards my career, sex, myself, friends, relationships were not strong enough in 2020. 

i thought about it long and hard, 

why was 2019 better than 2020. It was precisely because God was my sole conviction for 2019, and not 2020. 

in 2019 i was doing things back to back. maybe if you'd met Sarah in 2019, maybe youd like her. 

i was doing at least three things a day, 

dissertation, school, exams, bible school, and then bible school, work, serving, cell group. 

I had all the energy to do that because i was convicted in God to fulfil all these. 

in 2020 i started the year by saying that it was going to be a year of rest and taking things slow. 

towards the year end, you commented that i lacked resolve, i lacked conviction, i lacked ambition, i lacked confidence. again, i agree a 110% and thats because my conviction in God sort of dwindled as 2020 passed. perhaps it was covid, it was the social distancing, the lack of community, that attributed to the lack of resolve. i dont know, maybe i was distracted. 

in the entire 2020, my quiet time became blase, i started getting distracted during bible studies, my prayers became very short, i tried my bible reading plan with derick, but it somehow, just faded out. 

God wasnt in the middle of the picture. i started being suay bian about cell group meetings. i know i made myself sound very religious, someone with strong convictions in the beginning, but everything didn't add up in 2020. 

but in 2021, i do want to come back strong, with godly convictions, in my career/friendships/relationships. and i definitely want to be better than last year. 

-

thank you, dominic, for everything, 

for pushing me to live with conviction.

i dont think that was your intention, 

but you made me realise that God is the reason for my career, my relationships and my life. 

ive been an emotional wreck for the past week. 

and im not sure how long more i need; maybe 2 months, 6 months, a year, not sure. 

i have been reminiscing our coffee runs, sitting at Marina Bay facing the HSBC sign and just chatting, our meals in hougang, our car conversations, our late night 3/4am texts, hugs while travelling up and down the escalator, the good morning texts.. and everything else in between. i tear everytime i think of the good time we spent, because it has been a while since someone made me this happy. 

i thought i could have more, i thought  me, you tyro, my sister could have a meal in saizeriya. i thought we could have our swimming competition and you'd let me win. i thought we could spend more time next to a water body, just enjoying each other's presence. 

now everything has stopped and what happened in the past three months is now just a good memory. 

and i say this, with great sadness, that i will miss you suta and i can never find another you. 

although we discussed about how we can be friends and how we were gonna maintain this friendship, im not sure how now. 

but maybe in due time, we can have yet, one more coffee run, together. 

i hope i can be strong, not in myself, but in God. 

for, i believe, 

It is no longer I, but Christ, that lives in me. 

thank you suta for everything. i hope you still find me intense. 

i hope you read this and you would have moved on be the best you can. 

someone once said, "if two people are meant to be, they will eventually find their way back to each other", and thats if God permits.