jo calderone

"Hey. My name is Jo Calderone and I was an asshole.
Gaga? Yeah her. Lady Gaga. She left me.
She said it always starts out good and then the guys,
meaning me, I'm one of the guys, we get crazy.
I did. I got crazy, but she's fucking crazy too, right?
I mean, she's fucking crazy.
For example, she gets out of the bed, puts on the heels.
She goes into the bathroom. I hear the water go on.
She comes out of the bathroom, dripping wet.
She still has the heels on.
And what's with the hair?
At first it was sexy but now I'm just confused.
She said I'm just like the last one.
I'm not like the last one... And I think it's great, you know?
I think it's really fucking great that she's such a star,
a big beautiful star in the sky, but how am I supposed to shine?
I mean, I think I'd be okay with it, you know,
if I felt like she really was being herself with me.
And maybe she is. I'm starting to think she is,
'cause when she gets on the stage, she holds nothing back ?
that spotlight, that big rounded spotlight
follows her everywhere she goes.
Sometimes I think it follows her home. I know it does.
I got to get in there.
When she fucks, it's like she covers her face
'cause she doesn't want me to see,
but she can't stand to have one honest moment
where nobody's watching.
I want her to be real, but she says, 'Jo,I'm not real. I'm theater
and you and I... This is just rehearsal. I got to get in there."

Lady gaga during the 2011 MTV Video Music Awards 

the 26th day

a year later, daddy God reminded me again about Peter walking on water. 

Peter enthusiastically walked out of the boat and in that moment, he unknowingly decided to let go. 

he had let go of his future, his time, his money, his relationships, his grades, his status, 

his everything. 

he drowned for a bit. he struggled no doubt. for a while before Jesus reached out to him. he went though a dark time for a while. he was struggling in the water. struggling to breathe, gasping for air, shouting for Jesus. 

but Jesus came in and reached out. and i guess this was where Peter realised that God was in control. 

perhaps this is how its like when we let go. we let go, we struggle a bit and then we realise that God is in control. 

this is what ive been telling myself everyday. 

daddy God is in control. 

i can be pressed, perplexed, hunted down and knocked down 

but he is still in control. 

to my favourite chia seeds

my favourite moments with you 

that night at table soccer 
the first time i was introduced 
to this wheat thresher turned into judge. 
we talked about our kids, our ministry 
i sneakily scored whenever you got so 
deep into sharing 
but that's when i know your heart 
was at the right place 

on random weeknights
sometimes it seemed like
you were the only person i could share
my favourite verses from Hosea
and you'd reply,
'who was going to send me verses at 12am?'

our runs to gasworks park
we stood in the cold
apart, wondering
what am I doing here
while the space needle was in front of us
we ran back, i was tired
but you cheered me on when we were at the bridge

lobby b of mercer court
the first time you shared with me
romans 5:3-8

19th dec 
there was something about Olivia
I admired till this day
that was the day i saw the real you
real and raw in front of me
not for a minute 
i knew i you were going to be my friend for life

afternoon skypes
'i need to check with you about something'
writing your report with you
watching my lame youtube videos
laughing at videos
calling you in utown
right after my exams were over

at night
at east coast park.
when we agreed to be the best of friends
no matter what

and i look forward to more.
if you'd allow yourself to.

till we see again,
i trust God, and we'll be good, again.