i dont know how

i wish i could control my life. i wish that I could write my own story and be the sole director of this dramatic movie that I'm in. i would like to write the sarah lee story. 

i know what i want to do in the future. i get what i want when i work hard for it. i will always have a way to make things according to how i would like it to be. i am a control freak basically. who doesn't like to be in control? 

i dont like this word called uncertainty. the uncertainty of whether im gonna score for this job interview, the uncertainty of whether we're gonna work out, the uncertainty of basically anything. 

i become very frustrated about it that im not in control of this life i have. i become angry at myself for letting myself go through this. i dont like how sometimes i have no control over my emotions. i become upset when things don't go my way or how i have pictured it to be. 

i dont like uncertainty. but. but. but. i don't choose life, life chose. life throws shit at me and i have to learn how to be okay with it. will i be okay with it? 

i don't know how and I don't think I will ever figure out how to live life perfectly. 

Recently Pastor Aries recently talked about the mystery of I don't know.

And it's okay to not know what's going to happen in the next second, minute, month and years to come. And I've got to tell myself that again and again.

that it is ok if things are not in control because God is in control. 

26 He also said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. 27 Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. 28 All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head. 29 As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.”

Mark 4:26-29 

a sucker for love

expectations. i think i struggle so much with that. 

expectations of people to be on time. to spend time with me. to reply my texts just as how quick i reply them. to say the same things as i do. 

before i got into the water today, i told myself, 'im going to learn how to love people unconditionally'. i blew the candle and i asked God to teach me how to love people unconditionally. 

to love someone authentically without any agenda. 

i kept reminding myself this today. 'focus on being the lamp and not so much of the oil'. 

i want to breakthrough in this. i find it hard to love without expectations. 

i think im a sucker for love. not just love in relationships but in my family, with my friends, to everyone. sometimes i dont know how to love without giving a part of myself away. sometimes i become very frustrated when i dont receive the same amount of love back. 

but you see. 

i am a vessel and i am not the oil. i am the vessel. im just someone that God merely uses to love someone. 

im trying to. im trying to love with minimal expectations. im trying to be that vessel that God has called me to be to love you. 

God fill me with your love, for your love is sufficient for me. it is sufficient for me. you love me. I am yours and you are mine. i am your beloved. you love me. you truly love me. i will not let go until i am fully convinced that you love me. 

tell me that you love me God, please.