Team

So whenever you're losing
I'll celebrate ya
Appreciate ya
I'll get you up on your feet
Whenever you're winning
I'll give you strength

And I'll share your name
'Cause I'll always be on your, I'll always be on your team
Yeah, I'll always be on your team



Last but not least, 
I really, really, look forward to this day

it came back

I stopped for a moment today and realised how different I am since 2016 when I first gave my heart to serve the youths. 

I remember someone telling me that serving the youth is like taking out your heart, smashing it on the floor, and then putting it back into your body. Sometimes it feels this way when I choose to live by my convictions instead of what seemed okay and popular. 

But this time, I didn't feel this way. Although I was reminded of that process of surgery but I chose to see the cross and believe that His love casts out all fear. 

Reminder to self: do not look to the left or right, but look at what's ahead. The cross! 

my response

It's been a year since and I hope you're well. 
I muted everything and 
you must have muted my mindless postings and stories on social media too. 

Its been a ride for me, at least. 
I don't know about you but I hope you're happy with her. 
I still pray for dad and mom once in a while, whenever I pass by our favourite moments. 

It's time i let go, for many reasons, largely for my sanity and in the name of self love. 
I pray for God's grace to always be with you. I pray His presence will always be with you whenever you run along gas works, in every airplane ride, every hike you make, in your own little room in Mercer. 

I still pray for this friendship, for a fresh restoration, if our Lord permits. 
I still love you, regardless of any circumstances or event, simply because, 
the highest form of love is to give without looking back. 

Hope you will come back, soon, friend. 

why I cannot

I once heard a friend shared this statement, "Others can but I cannot." 

I used to dismiss that because it seems like there is no biblical context to this sentence. In addition, I find that there was no basis to what statement. 

But the more I attend bible school, I begin to realise that my life is not for me to live anymore. Others can don't work for their parents but I cannot. Others can travel but I cannot. Others can work for big firms but I cannot. Others can curse and swear but I cannot. 

What is wrong with these sentences? Perhaps because I don't qualify my 'cannot'. But in all those sentences, I find that all my qualifications come from a very simple reason - because I love Him and honor him. 

Others can choose to not take over their parents' business and I cannot because I love and honor my parents.

Others can choose to scream, shout, jump and be angry and sad and I cannot because anger gives a foothold to the devil. 

For, it is no longer I who lives in me but Christ who lives in me. 

scandal of grace

Death, where is your sting?
Your power is as dead as my sin
The cross has taught me to live
In mercy, my heart now to sing

The day and its trouble shall come
I know that your strength is enough
The scandal of grace, you died in my place
So my soul will live

Oh to be like you
Give all I have just to know you
Jesus, there's no one besides you
Forever the hope in my heart


You need to be holy for the holy spirit. 
and then, you go, 'o death, where is your sting?' 

not disregarded

I've been a full-time writer now for 34 years. And the one thing that I have learned is that transformation comes when I'm not in charge, when I don't know what's coming next, when I can't assume I am bigger than everything around me. And the same is true in love or in moments of crisis. Suddenly, we're back in that trishaw again and we're bumping off the broad, well-lit streets; and we're reminded, really, of the first law of travel and, therefore, of life: you're only as strong as your readiness to surrender. 

Pico Iyer

another in the fire

And I can see the light in the darkness
As the darkness bows to Him
I can hear the roar in the heavens
As the space between wears thin
I can feel the ground shake beneath us
As the prison walls cave in
Nothing stands between us
Nothing stands between us

Another in the fire 

i finally understood the value of Jesus Christ dying on the cross for me and with this, 

i am fully convinced that the holy spirit is real. he is my helper. my best friend who comforts me, not when no one is there, but when i feel like nothing on this earth can ever fill this void inside. 

i am fully convinced that the same holy spirit that raised Jesus from the dead is in me. and i dont say this because i want to feel strong or have something to hold on to. but it is a declaration of my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.

i am fully convinced that i am wholly, exclusively owned by God. my life here on this earth is meant for Him and only Him alone. and He deserves the freedom to take away and put things into my life. and with this in mind, i find freedom in this. 

i am fully convinced that i am not of my own. instead, i am a child, fathered by His majesty. that He sent His son, to be fully human, to die on the cross for me. 

- 

temporary things and the only permanent thing

dissertation has ended. its been 1..2..3..4 days in to bible school. perhaps one thing i've learnt thus far is that nothing on this earth is permanent, except God. 

Nothing is permanent. forgive me, for such cynicism, or perhaps for throwing such a reality. insta stories are temporary, the moment is temporary, sometimes it feels as if its just the wind that breezes by. no matter how much you catch it, you cannot. it just passes you by. 

some friendships come and go. they are seasonal, just for the moment, just like a wind that breezes through your hair. i come to realise that friends really come and go. really. 

the holy spirit reminded me, that me offering my friendship to someone is like me presenting a gift to someone. here's the catch: the person has the freedom to accept or reject this 'gift'. and i've come to realise that not everyone would accept this gift. even if the person may have accepted the 'gift', the receiver still has every right to make use of this 'gift'. he could just put it at home and leave it dormant. 

and ive come to a place where it is okay, if you've left this gift somewhere, chucked in a corner collecting dust. this is not from a place of self pity, that people don't care about what i offer or how I am not appreciated. i'll still do my best to love in my capacity but i've come to terms of holding it loosely. 

but i've come to realise that the only permanent thing throughout my life is God. the holy spirit. the same holy spirit has been with me since i said my first prayer when i was 11. and the same holy spirit is still with me as i sing 'come holy spirit' during bible school. he's not just a passing wind that brushes and tickles my face, but he lingers for a little while more, gently, like a gentleman. 

nothing is permanent. only God, his promises, the cross, and the holy spirit is. 

well, and thank you, to those who stayed, you know who you are. 

sit next to me

finally done with dissertation, well almost done. 

i think i know how it feels like to be 'alone'. 

and who cares about how i feel, or you feel? 

anyway, i'm good, at a good place perhaps 

now with dissertation out of the way, its time to dig deeper into what 'home' really means to me. 

I'll always remember us this way

That Arizona sky burning in your eyes
You look at me and, babe, I wanna catch on fire
It's buried in my soul like California gold
You found the light in me that I couldn't find

So when I'm all choked up
And I can't find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won't play
I'll always remember us this way

Lovers in the night
Poets trying to write
We don't know how to rhyme
But damn we try
But all I really know
You're where I wanna go
The part of me that's you will never die

So when I'm all choked up
But I can't find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won't play
I'll always remember us this way

Oh, yeah
I don't wanna be just a memory, baby, yeah

When I'm all choked up
But I can't find the words
Every time we say goodbye
Baby, it hurts
When the sun goes down
And the band won't play
I'll always remember us this way, oh, yeah

When you look at me
And the whole world fades
I'll always remember us this way

Songwriters: Hillary Lindsey / Lori McKenna / Natalie Hemby / Stefani Germanotta

-

tears all welled up in my eyes 

what I know

2019 reminders: 

1. Jesus is not a coping mechanism 

2. I am strong in His love 

3. I can cast all my anxieties onto him, in every situation with prayer and thanksgiving, my requests can be made to God 

4. To be focused and disciplined 

5. It is okay to make mistakes 

6. I am not identified by any organisation, my dissertation and my academics

I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow.

1 Corinthians 3:6