How Reckless

I've been reading The Release of the Spirit by Watchman Nee. Basically the human being is divided into 3 parts, spirit, soul and body. Our spirit resides in our innerman while our body is our outward man. He mentioned, in our lifetime, the main purpose of the Holy Spirit is to break our outward man (body) so that the Holy Spirit can be poured out as our inner spirit flows out. My main take away from that book. A simple book about consecration and simple obedience towards God. Nothing more and nothing less. 

There was not a word or sentence about the love of God in Watchman Nee's book actually. I guess he didn't really talk about it because he assumes that we should understand the love of God before we commit ourselves to consecrate ourselves to him. 

Apart from the parts about loving God, how about the part where I truly understand God's love for me? I mean, yes, I know John 3:16, I know, I do, every week we sing worship songs about God loving me but.. do I really understand God's love and grace towards me? 

The past two services have been reminding me about this. God loving me. Jesus dying on the cross for me. What is the significance of that? I wear the cross on my wrist everyday but do I truly understand the meaning of the cross? 

Pastor Bob shared a word about God's dilemma about holiness and being with his people, basically being transcendent yet immanent in his nature. In order to be both, God became flesh and died on the cross. 

He got chased out of the holy city of Jerusalem, he was sent to Calvary to die on the cross. To die outside the holy city. To die for my fleshly desires. To die for every lie I said to my parents. To die for that every moment I shouted at my parents. To die for every tear shed in my room while my parents argue. To die for every sin I've made. To die for every disappointment I had. 

For every 39 stripes on his body. It was for every cut you make on your wrist. It was for every suicidal moment you had. It was for every moment when you didn't feel good enough. 

He died so that both you and I could live. Simply because he loved you and me. This song Reckless Love by Bethel describes the meaning of the cross. 

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn't earn it
I don't deserve it
Still You give yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

I always thought that I was good enough to receive God's love because I was taught that because Jesus had already died for me hence the God's righteousness is in me. Have you felt this way before? 

But after listening to this song and listening to Pastor Bob's word about the cross, I came to a realization I don't deserve it neither can I earn this love. It was the first time I broke myself and truly understood that his love is so immense that I don't deserve this because of every sins I've done. And all I can say is, Thank you, Lord.

I don't know about you, but after knowing how tangible and how wide and how deep and how immense, how intense and how reckless this love is, I can't bring myself to want to love him even more. To love his word even more. To love his presence. To love his everything. 

1-3 God, my shepherd!
    I don’t need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
    you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
    you let me catch my breath
    and send me in the right direction.
4 Even when the way goes through
    Death Valley,
I’m not afraid
    when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd’s crook
    makes me feel secure.
5 You serve me a six-course dinner
    right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
    my cup brims with blessing.
6 Your beauty and love chase after me
    every day of my life.
I’m back home in the house of God
    for the rest of my life.

Finding Solitude

Day 4 of life after Surbana. I spent 3 months, waking up at 6.45am and taking the bus 961 to office every week day. I spend approximately 10 hours in an office filled with people. Even so, sometimes, or even most of the days, I'll pack every night with meet ups after meet ups. I thought I found Solitude in God in the little pockets of time that I had while travelling and at my work place. 

Its been 4 days since my last day of work. Been prepping bible study notes with fiona and my sister next to me. In those moments, I subconsciously thought that, hey I'm finding solitude in God again. I guess I was wrong. I realized that that wasn't solitude because I was still surrounded by people. 

It was only yesterday, after lunch with my cousin, that I had huge pockets of time like 2 hours to spare before the next errand to run. I got a little bit jittery, a little bit lost, in a sense that, I had no one to talk to physically (now its worse that I'm having a really bad and random sore throat) but to jot down my thoughts in my notebook or to read my book. It was a little but uncomfortable at first but after awhile, I got a little bit more used to it. 

Now that I am semi-mute, I can't communicate much with people. Now that the new semester in NUS has begun and a few friends who already flew off for exchange.. the replies become a litle bit slower and slowly there are no notifications appearing at your homepage. It's weird. I'll just be really honest here, it is uncomfortable but I know that this process is really necessary because I need to learn how to find solitude in God. 

In fact I want to be okay with being alone with God. I want to stay on my lane alone with God. I want to learn how to find soltitude in God. I want to come to a place where I understand the concept of my eternity in heaven. 

I would like to come to place where I don't need anyone else but Jesus. I think I can't achieve this in like 1 week but I guess it takes a lifetime for to truly understand this. 

And when I come to die 

When I come to die

When I come to die 

Give me Jesus 

Priorities

4 more days till the end of Sarah Surbana and 28 more days to Seattle. The past three months in Surbana has been a restful yet fulfilling experience. My weekdays are usually packed with meetups after meet ups. It is exhausting sometimes to head out every weekday night and at the same time have a very eventful weekend. Perhaps this is why work is my resting place and my cubicle is my secret hideout.

I'm not sure whether i'm excited to end this internship because I've been packing my schedule with meet ups with different people that it looks quite scary. I've got so many close ones to spend time with before I leave. However time is limited here.

Stressed and burdened. That's how I feel. I feel a sense of urgency to minister to so many people and I try so hard to make a lasting impact before I leave for Seattle. My flesh is so weak but my spirit is willing.

I shared this with Daniel, my great NUS harvesters I/C. 'How am I to prioritize what God wants of me', he wrote. Priorities.

Is me meeting so many people what God wants me to prioritize? or.. is it just spending time.. in my room, with a pen, a highlighter, a moleskine.. and His word.

Perhaps its the latter is what God wants.


Lord, teach me how to prioritize what you want of me. Help me to be a good steward of my time and resources. Speak to me. I'm listening.